


A Life I Want To Start (Been Waiting to Live)

by Banshi13



Series: Season 10 Codas [5]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: 10.22 coda, Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix It, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash, Steve McGarrett and Danny Williams Deserved Much Better than What They Got
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:53:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24380131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banshi13/pseuds/Banshi13
Summary: It's time for Steve and Danny to heal.Together.
Relationships: Junior Reigns/Tani Rey, Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams, past Steve McGarrett/Catherine Rollins - Relationship
Series: Season 10 Codas [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604164
Comments: 239
Kudos: 321





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you were as disappointed with certain aspects of the finale as I was (Steve and Danny being left as they were and Catherine once again being shoved down the throats of fans in the EP’s vein attempt to force acceptance of a ship that should’ve died four years ago), then this is the fix it fic for you! We start with the same day Steve left Honolulu, and move forward from there. I’ll be dealing with some things canon left us to tie up, and will also (hopefully) take you, the reader, on a journey that answers some really important questions for Steve, and will, eventually, allow him to find the peace he’s been searching for, for so long. With that, I’ll leave you to your reading pleasure, and hope that you get as much enjoyment out of this story as I did writing it (and some catharses too)!
> 
> Disclaimer: _Hawaii Five-0 and the characters found within the series are owned by CBS Productions, K/O Paper Products, and 101st Street Productions. No profit is being made off of this work._
> 
> _Title taken from lyrics from Bruce Springsteen’s Song ‘Leah’._
> 
> _The series' name is the Hawaiian word for 'Peace'._

"Danny?"

Lou hung back just a few feet behind Danny, uncertainty woven through him from head to do as he looked at the back of a blonde head that hadn't turned to acknowledge him yet. Lou hadn't exactly been sure what to expect when he'd made the decision to traipse his way through McGarrett’s backyard and down to the sandy shore behind Steve's house, but it wasn't a despondent Danny Williams. Lou figured maybe Danny would be putting on a brave face, would wave off Steve’s leaving as just a bump in the road, cheerfully assured that his partner would be back sooner rather than later.

…Would at least fucking turn around when his name was called.

Lou inched forward just a little, careful to come around the side of the empty chair rather than the one Danny was sitting in; Lou wasn't about to take a cane to the back of the knee today, no sir. "Danny, man, you alright?"

"Fine," Danny cleared a clogged sounding throat, and Lou had a feeling that was more from sadness than any pollen that might be flying in the air presently.

"Look, Danny-"

"It's fine, Lou," Danny pushed himself up with his cane. "I'm okay. He'll be back when he's back. And," he laughed, but Lou heard lemon instead of honey in it, "we've got phones, right?"

Lou watched as Danny shuffled through the sand and back up towards the house, a feeling of unease settling low in his gut. Steve McGarrett and Danny Williams had never done well when they were forced apart; history had proven that true for the past ten years. As Danny disappeared into the house, Lou saw no reason to believe that pattern would be changing anytime soon.

**Hawaii Five-0**

Danny had appreciated the support and well-meaning back pats and hugs the team offered him when he’d made it inside, he really did. But Danny also knew that if he didn't get the majority of these people out of Steve's house so he could go and sulk in peace, he would either lose his mind or lash out at them for doing nothing but trying to offer encouragement and support to a friend whom they knew could use it. So, Danny had hung around in the living room for about twenty minutes, letting Junior provide some reassurances that Steve would be back soon. He let Adam sit quietly beside him, all soft faced and full of understanding, as if Adam could feel each crack in Danny's heart by just looking at him. He even let Tani come up with group activities for the next few weekends, as if they were all in summer camp; Danny found himself wondering when the arts and crafts portion of her planning would begin, and that was when he knew it was time to call it a night, lest he actually ask that question out loud.

"Alright. I'm... it's time for a nap, I think." Danny slowly got to his feet. Adam moved to stand up with him, but Danny waved him back down. "I'm not a paraplegic, man; I got shot. I'm okay."

With waves and muttered goodbyes, Danny had crept up the stairs, far too slow for his liking and under the scrutinizing gaze of the team, wanting nothing more than to disappear behind the second floor door with his rapidly deteriorating mood and throbbing shoulder. Eddie padded along behind him, and Danny knew, just looking at the pup’s drooping ears and hanging head that Eddie was missing his owner as much as Danny was.

That had been about six hours ago. Now, Danny was lying in bed, in Steve's bed - the big goof wasn't here, and Danny had been sleeping in it anyways since he'd come home from the hospital while Steve had insisted on taking the couch – while Eddie snoozed softly at his feet. Night had long since fallen, and the room was nearly completely dark, save for the light from the downstairs lanai filtering up through the upstairs deck and into the room, and the glow of Danny's cell phone, which he was currently holding.

He stared at it - had been staring at it for the past hour, going back and forth on whether or not to text Steve goodnight. He had no idea where in the world where Steve was; Danny hadn't asked, and Steve hadn't volunteered his flight plans. Just like Danny hadn't asked Steve to stay, just for a few more weeks, just until Danny was up and around, just until Cole had gotten settled in with the team, just until Grace came home from college to see him before he took off.

Just until.

Steve needed to clear his head. Danny understood that; truly, he did. Danny knew, no matter what he had gone through in the last week or so, that Steve had also been put through the emotional ringer, what with his mother’s incessant need to remain secretive even after her death, even at the expense of her children’s sanity; with Daiyu Mei finally showing herself; and, with Danny’s kidnapping, subsequent torture, and near death experience. Danny knew Steve must have been scared out of his mind, knew he’d seen the look absolute desperation and pure fear on his partner’s face, in his eyes, when Daiyu Mei had held the phone up for Steve to verify Danny was indeed in the hands of the ex-wife of his once most deadly rival. If it was anything close to half of what Danny felt whenever Steve had been in life threatening situations (and Danny knew that it was), then Steve would’ve been rocked to his very core, petrified of doing or saying _anything_ that might cause Daiyu Mei to pull the trigger and end Danny’s life.

That had hit Steve hard. Danny knew that. Lou and Junior had made sure to tell him just how bad Steve had gotten, just how stricken with fear he’d been. Danny suspected it was part of why Steve had wanted to keep his flight and not push it a few weeks. Grief touched Steve like no one else Danny had ever known – the guy was probably a distant relative of the Kennedy family, for all the people he’d lost in his life – and Danny knew that there was a part of Steve, however little that part was, that was blaming himself for what had happened to Danny, that was thinking that if Steve wasn’t here on the island, then Danny, the team, everyone Steve loved and cared about, would be safe.

It was that kind of backward thinking that Danny had spent a decade trying to drive out of Steve’s head, clearly to no avail.

Making his choice with a resigned huff, Danny gingerly sat up in the bed and plunked out a text.

 _Wanted to say good night. So good night. Miss you_.

He was pleasantly surprised when the phone started vibrating in his hand and a picture of a grinning Steve with Charlie tucked to his side in a football hold lit up on his screen. Danny swiped his thumb over the surface, watching as Steve and Charlie slid away and the standard call-in-progress screen replaced it.

“Didn’t know if you’d be asleep yet,” he greeted.

“ _No, not asleep yet_ ,” Steve answered. “ _Still a little wired from the plane ride_ , _you know how it goes_.”

“Yeah, I do. You never did catch on to being able to nap after a flight,” Danny smiled, clearing his throat. “So, uh. Where are you?”

“ _Los Angeles. I’m staying with Mary for a little while, catching up, seeing Joanie_.”

“Good, that’s good. That’s good for you, good for her, good for Joanie.” Danny picked at the blankets a little. “Are you uh – you’re okay?”

“ _I’m… no, I’m not okay_ ,” Steve half chuckled/half huffed a bit. Danny could hear the sound of a door sliding open and closing; Steve must have stepped outside. “ _How are you, huh? You getting around okay, feeling good, no problems_?”

“I asked you first.”

“ _And I answered, Danny_ ,” Steve’s tone was partly annoyed, mostly fond. “ _You know I’m not okay, but… you know, I don’t have much more to say right now about that_.”

Danny chose to let it go. “I’m fine,” he answered. “Tired, cranky, everyone left a little while ago, finally. If I got one more look of pity, I was gonna beat someone with my cane.” He was rewarded with a breath of a snicker.

“ _You always did strike me as the old guy with the cane yelling at people to get off your lawn_ ,” Steve cleared his throat, taking a breath. “ _Hey, so uh, Catherine was on the plane_.”

Danny’s stomach froze. His heart froze. Everything just froze. “Catherine… She was on the plane?”

“ _Yeah. I guess Cole filled her in on my plans_.”

Danny’s pursed his lips. “Uh huh. And how’d that go?”

“ _I – I mean, she’s not with me, she’s not in Los Angeles. She headed back to D.C_. _after we landed_.”

Danny could hear the hesitation in the air. “But?”

“ _She asked if she could come and see me in a few weeks_ ,” Steve answered after a too-long pause. “ _I told her ‘sure’, maybe before I head to Montana, or after_.”

Danny closed his tired eyes, running a tired hand over his tired face. God damn, he was just exhausted, in every way a person could be. That Steve was even talking about visiting Joe’s ranch in Montana on top of Catherine being on the flight out of Hawaii made Danny feel as if someone had hit him over the head with a sledgehammer. “Okay, so, that’s… that’s a good thing, right? You and her… hanging out?”

“ _I don’t know_ ,” Steve’s nerves carried through the phone into Danny’s ears and straight into his gut. “ _But I guess I’m going to find out_.”

“You think that’s a good idea, right now? You know, with… everything else you got going on, everything else that you’re trying to figure out?” _That you left Hawaii to do, that you left your team to do, left_ me _to do_ , Danny thought to himself. He felt a sharp stab of guilt in his heart for even thinking that, but he couldn’t help it; Steve wasn’t the only one hurting right now.

“ _I don’t know, Danno, I don’t_ –“ Danny heard Steve take a deep breath. “ _I feel like I have to figure this one out, Danny. I think – I don’t feel that way for her anymore, I don’t think. But I never really got a say either way; I just had to deal with what she gave me, what she left me with, you know_?”

Danny did know. He knew very well. Rachel had given him the same treatment way back when. Even after everything she’d done – using Grace as leverage in their custody arrangement, planning to move to Las Vegas, hiding Charlie from him – when given the opportunity a year ago or so, Danny had still felt that inexplicable pull towards his ex-wife, had still felt the need to answer his eternal question of ‘what if?’ on his own terms. Of course, it hadn’t worked out; the breakup conversation wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been when Danny had broached the topic. Rachel had fully agreed. They’d ended their brief reconciliation amicably, but the difference was that this time, Danny had instigated that decision.

It had meant everything to him, to be able to do that, to finally be certain in his ability to move on from her, to know that it was the right decision, that everything between him and Rachel was finished.

“ _Danny_?”

“Yeah.”

“ _You went quiet there, buddy. Just making sure I didn’t send you into shock_.”

“Yeah, thanks. No, I’ve had enough shock for a while,” Danny winced as soon as it came out of his mouth. “Sorry, that… obviously, that wasn’t directed at you, just-“

“ _I get it_.”

“Me too,” Danny sighed. “I get it, Steve, what you’re thinking, why you’re thinking it. Just be careful, babe, okay? I like Cath, I care about her, always will, but…”

“ _But_?” Steve prodded.

“But nothing,” Danny firmly answered after a moment’s consideration. “I won’t – you gotta figure this one out for yourself, Steve; you don’t need me butting in and coloring your view with my own opinions, okay?”

“ _Never stopped you before_.”

How the hell Steve could make Danny’s blood pressure rise an ocean away was beyond him. It was happening, that was the point. “Look – when Rachel and I were thinking about getting back together, you gave me the space to figure that out, right? You knew I didn’t need a peanut gallery singing a chorus of negativity about all the bad reasons there were for my even considering getting back together with her. And I really appreciated that, even though I knew you had your concerns, so…” Danny shifted in the bed, leaning back further against the pillows he’d propped up earlier. “You say you don’t think you feel that way for Cath anymore, but it sounds like you feel like you should give yourself the chance to see if you _can_ feel that way for her again. Have a chance to be happy… maybe have a – family of your own?” Danny’s eyes fell closed, swallowing hard.

“ _I have a family, Danny_ ,” Steve said softly. “ _I… Look, earlier today, when we were on the beach and we were talking? I was an ass with some of the stuff I said, okay_?”

“Steve –“

“ _I was, Danny. I had a six-hour flight to think about it, about some of the things I said, how I said them and of course, I’m going to come back. Of course, I will. I just – I need a few months away, Danny, that’s all. That’s it, and when I’ve got my head clear, and I’m sure nothing else is going to follow me back to Hawaii, I’ll be home. I promise, Danny_.”

Blinking his eyes rapidly of the annoying wetness threatening to gather in them, Danny switched the phone from his left ear to his right and hummed quietly. “Okay,” he finally murmured.

“ _Okay_.”

Danny played with the comforter again; a thought struck him. “Isn’t it like, midnight over there, or something?”

“ _Yeah, so_?”

“Nothing. Just, you know, just saying,” Danny rubbed at his eyes.

“ _Go to sleep, Danny_ ,” and he could hear the fondness in Steve’s voice. It warmed him better than the comforter was, that was for sure. “ _You’re sleeping in my bed, still; right_?”

“Yes, Nurse Maid McGarrett, I’m sleeping on this military issue-like mattress you have. By the time you get back, you’re gonna have a whole new bed, I hope you know that. I’m not sleeping on this thing for months on end.” The fact that Steve didn’t even question why Danny had said ‘months on end’ and not _weeks_ was a testament to how at home Danny had gotten at Steve’s place. Danny would be staying at the house at least as long as it took for him to be cleared for desk duty by the docs at Kings Medical, and even after that, all under the guise of needing to watch over Eddie and keep the house clean and safe and keep Junior company, of course.

The fact that Steve had practically begged Danny to stay at the house so that someone would be with him most of the time in case anything happened hadn’t entered into Danny’s decision-making process. No, not at all.

“ _Alright, well_ ,” Steve’s voice hung in the air between them, the only barrier between a final good night. “ _Look, I’ll call you tomorrow. Mary asked about you when I got in; she’ll probably want to say hello, her and Joanie. Get some sleep, Danny, okay? Please? Don’t worry about me, I’m good. I’m okay_.”

“Alright, alright, okay, heard you the first time, babe,” Danny settled against the pillows, scooting down further into the bed and closing his eyes. “Call me tomorrow.”

“ _When_?”

Danny shrugged. “Whenever. You know when I’m up.”

Steve huffed a soft laugh into the phone. “ _Danny_?”

“Hm?”

“ _I miss you too, buddy. Good night_.”

Danny let the phone slide down his cheek and rest on his chest, the screen fading back to its usual background photo of Grace and Charlie.

He stubbornly ignored the fact that the photo had been taken just outside on Steve’s beach, by Steve himself when Danny had run out for an errand a few months ago. Danny pulled the comforter up to his chin, and forced his eyes closed, praying sleep would take him before the emptiness he was feeling did.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> California dreamin' with the little sister.
> 
> Kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: _Disclaimer: Hawaii Five-0 and the characters found within the series are owned by CBS Productions, K/O Paper Products, and 101st Street Productions. No profit is being made off of this work._
> 
> _Title taken from lyrics from Bruce Springsteen’s Song ‘Leah’._

**Chapter 2**

**Hawaii Five-0**

“So, how long are you staying?” Mary plunked a cup of coffee in front of Steve and settled into the seat opposite him, studying her brother as he carefully took a few sips from his mug, wincing at the heat of it. “I mean, obviously, you can stay as long as you want. Joanie misses you. All she talked about last night while getting ready for bed was what she wanted to do with you after she got home from school today.”

“I don’t know,” Steve sat back, setting the mug down and watching as the steam wove out and up. “I didn’t really have a whole plan for this thing, you know? Thought I’d come here for a few weeks, spend some time with you and Joanie, maybe go to Montana, check on the ranch…”

“Hm,” Mary lifted the coffee mug to her lips, tilting it just so to take a drink. “And Cath’s going to meet you there?”

Steve visibly tensed before narrowing his eyes at Mary; the latter wasn’t fazed at all, and simply shrugged in response. “My bedroom’s right on the other side of the patio. You weren’t exactly quiet last night.”

“I thought you were asleep,” Steve muttered, dragging an annoyed hand down his face. It was hard enough breaking the news to Danny that he was open to seeing Catherine again, and for longer than just a six-hour plane ride. Getting the third degree from his sister about meeting up with his ex-girlfriend wasn’t exactly something he’d slipped into his schedule to deal with at – he checked his watch – eight fifteen in the morning. And as he looked at Mary, her seemingly serene face which had hawk like eyes trained on him, he remembered why he’d ‘neglected’ to mention that bit of information to her.

“Nope!” Mary cheerfully answered and set her mug down, wrapping thin fingers around the base to warm them and peered at Steve quietly for few moments, watching with no small amount of satisfaction as he squirmed minutely in his seat, avoiding her gaze. “Why, Steve? Do you really think there’s no one else out there for you? No one that’ll stick around?”

“You liked Catherine.”

“Keyword: _liked_.” Mary deadpanned, raising an eyebrow, every hair on it screaming ‘duh’. “That kind of changed when you told me what she’d pulled in Afghanistan and then later when she came back and, you know, left you in the dust.”

“She did what I told her to do in Afghanistan.”

Mary rolled her eyes. “Like that matters,” she muttered, staring at the wisps of steam that were still swirling up from the coffee. “What did Danny say about it?”

Steve blinked. Mary snorted. “Who else would you be calling in the middle of the night? Plus, you said his name.”

Oh. Right. Steve stretched his legs out and took a breath, maintaining calm. “He basically told me to do what I need to do.”

“But he’s not wild about it,” Mary tilted her head. “Steve-“

“Mary, please, okay?” On second thought, screw maintaining calm; Steve was halfway to bolting out of the kitchen and into a hotel. He wasn’t in the head space to have this conversation now, not like this, not with Mary so obviously against it. “I need to figure it out for myself. I’ve got _a lot_ of stuff I need to figure out, and Catherine is one of those things, because I _never got a say_ , Mary, alright? I never got the chance to see if that could be enough for me, if we could make it work. Things might be different now; I’m on leave from Five-0, maybe she’s ready to leave the CIA behind. I’ll never know unless I spend time with her and give it a chance.” He collapsed back into his chair, not having realized he’d leaned forward during his speech, as if him being closer to Mary would push the words further into her heart and the result would be her leaving him alone. He picked at the wood of the table and pushed his coffee away after a few seconds, his stomach no longer finding the allure of the roasted scent of ground beans appealing.

“Okay then,” Mary shrugged, staring down at her coffee before lifting her gaze to Steve’s; he was struck by how much she looked like Doris in that moment. “Just one question.”

Steve gave her the shrewdest of glares. “Just one?”

“Let’s say she says she’s ready to leave the CIA,” Mary posited. “After everything, after her leaving you, keeping you in the dark on so many things, outright lying to you specifically about her _joining_ the CIA - can you trust that when she tells you she’s done that she actually is?”

Steve sucked in a breath. That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? He knew it, and apparently, so did Mary.

“The only reason I’m asking, aside from… you know, everything else, is-“

“Mom.” Steve finished her sentence, rubbing the back of his neck, which was starting to gather far too much tension before nine o’clock in the morning. “Yeah, I know.” He dropped his hand into his lap – it felt as heavy as a barbell – and heaved a sigh, staring up at the ceiling as the sunlight poured through Mary’s kitchen window and caught the glass chimes hanging nearby, the reflections dancing above him, as if teasing him. “She comes through when it counts,” he heard himself say, though even to his ears, his voice sounded hollow, resigned. “That’s more than what Mom did most of the time.”

Wood scraped against tile, and he saw Mary pass by out of the corner of his eye and dump her left over coffee into the sink before sitting the mug at its base. She turned, stiff, lips pressed together in a thin line, considering him silently before pushing off the counter and coming to stand beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“You deserve someone to come through even when it doesn’t count, Steve.” Mary bent down, giving him a hug. “I have to go. You know where the park is, where the grocery stores are. If you go out, grab something for dinner tonight.” And she was gone, leaving Steve to watch her go, off kilter and studiously trying to ignore the whisper of doubt gnawing at his conscience – that he was a knight on a fool’s quest, and his holy grail was not to be found on the path he was currently walking.

**Hawaii Five-0**

Even though Mary had work during the day and Joanie had school, Steve managed to pack in a lot of time with both of them with dinners, trips to the park, and Steve seeing Joanie off on the bus in the mornings. It was a nice, normal three weeks, exactly what Steve was looking for, at least for right now; who wouldn’t think Joanie’s little face, pressed up against the window of her school bus and frantically waving at her uncle as the bus drove away, was the perfect balm to sooth Steve’s battered heart and weary soul every morning?

Today, a Wednesday, was no different. Steve saw Mary off to work and put Joanie on the bus, and was currently driving around downtown L.A. Spotting his destination, he pulled past the restaurant and onto the next block, finding a parking spot rather easily during the lunch hour in the middle of the week. It was a Hawaiian style restaurant, Ona Hawaiian BBQ. When it had been suggested as a meet up spot, Steve hadn’t hesitated, agreeing immediately to meet his ‘date’ for a light lunch. He pulled his sunglasses off as he stepped through the doors, keen eyes immediately finding his target, his heart filling with warmth as Grace looked up at him and flashed a bright smile. “Uncle Steve!”

“Hey, Gracie,” Steve came to a stop by the table and pulled her into a tight hug. Even after not seeing her since she’d gone off to college, Grace had grown considerably. She was a young woman now, and Steve found himself missing the little girl with pigtails who’d steadfastly carried around Mr. Hoppy and had loved nothing more than being tossed into the waves behind his house while her father had looked on from the safety of the chairs on the beach, cracking jokes. 

“I’m glad you came,” Grace squeezed him tightly once more before stepping back a little to look up at him. She looked so much like Danny in that moment that Steve’s heart ached. She was happy to see him, thrilled even, but he could see the underlying worry in her brown eyes, the set of her chin, the quick once over she gave him, as if checking to make sure he was here and whole, not hiding any injuries or pains from her.

He hated himself for a fraction of a second for making her do that.

“I’m glad you called,” Steve ushered Grace into the booth she’d been sitting across from and took the one she’d occupied, giving him a clear line of sight to the entrance, ignoring the knowing look Grace threw him as she complied without a fight. “How are you liking L.A.?”

“It’s not so different from Hawaii, really; hot, beaches all over the place, but a ton more people. Having the subway is a big plus,” Grace laughed, tossing long brown hair over her shoulder. Steve could tell she’d been making good use of those beaches. She was tanned, so much more so than when she’d lived in Honolulu, and her hair was streaked with highlights. She was happy, filled with that special brand of freshman happiness that only came with flying the coup and being away at college and on her own for the first time in her life. 

“Well, you look like you’re enjoying it, seems like you’ve settled down here pretty well. You know Mary doesn’t live far from USC? If you’re looking for some extra cash, she probably wouldn’t mind you babysitting Joanie once in a while.” 

“I can always use extra money,” Grace rolled her eyes. “USC is filled with, like, the richest, snobbiest kids from across the country. Danno says they’re all trust fund babies.”

They made small talk while they ordered and waited for the food to arrive. Grace told Steve about the classes she’d been taking, the major she’d decided on (Architectural Studies), the friends she’d made, and that time she’d gotten stuck in West Hollywood with a gaggle of friends at three o’clock in the morning during her first month in L.A. and hadn’t made it back to her dorm until three hours later. Wisely, she’d not told her father that story and Steve swore on pain of death as his lunch was placed in front of him that the tale would never leave his mouth. He found himself envying her as she went on, but mostly proud and happy that she could experience this side of life – college, dorm parties, getting stuck in the city in the wee hours of the morning - that she’d never know the kinds of things he’d experienced while at the Naval Academy.

“So, I talked to Danno before I came to meet you.” Grace flicked her gaze up to Steve before popping some fried fish in her mouth. “He misses you, you know? I mean, he told me he was fine and everything, recovering okay enough, but I can tell he’s not the same.”

Steve wiped his mouth, ignoring the way his stomach clenched as Grace talked about her father. Steve had made sure to text Danny multiple times a day, and if Danny hadn’t called by nine in the evening, Steve was usually on the phone making the first move. “I miss him too, Grace. And Charlie, and Five-0, everybody.” He sat back, pushing his plate away a little; if he was going to have this conversation, then he was done eating for a bit. “What’d he tell you about why I was out here?”

“Just that you needed a break,” Grace shrugged. “That something really bad had happened and a lot of stuff had piled up and that you just needed to get away for a little while.”

“Well,” Steve considered that. It wasn’t a lie. That’s round about what had happened, and Grace didn’t need to know the gritty details. She’d known her father had been shot three weeks ago, but Steve remembered Danny downplaying the injury to her over the phone in the week after he’d been released from the hospital. Steve wasn’t about to dissuade Grace from anything her Danno had told her. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“I mean… I know your friend, Joe, died last year. And I know your mom died just before Thanksgiving,” Grace hedged a bit, not sure of her footing. Steve sensed it and gave her an encouraging nod; he’d never keep her from talking to him, even if the subject was painful for him personally. “But you only just now left Hawaii. I tried talking to Dad about it, but I think he’s not telling me everything about what happened, about when he was shot, about why you left.”

Steve closed his eyes. Grace stopped talking. He could feel her looking at him, studying him, waiting for him to give his undivided attention back to her. It was uncanny; the knot that was forming deep in his chest as Grace continued to look at him felt not unlike the one that would form when Danny was waiting him out, patiently anticipating everything Steve would tell him because he knew that Steve eventually _would_.

“I won’t push you if you don’t want to talk about it,” Grace murmured quietly, and Steve found his gaze back on her. She wouldn’t, he knew that, but he could also tell just by looking at her, by the worried, knowing glint behind eyes that had seen a little too much than someone should have at her age, that she desperately wanted to know.

Steve hadn’t been any better about denying Grace what she wanted than Danny had.

“Danno’s fine,” Steve finally stuttered out. “It wasn’t – he’s fine, and he’ll _be_ fine. He was hurt because of me, Grace.” The confession actually made the pressure in his chest ease a little, and Steve found that he’d been waiting to say that from the moment he’d sat down across from her, longer probably. “He got shot because of me, because of some of the things me and my family got into from way back and…and that’s my fault. That’s on me.” Steve swallowed, thinking to himself that he would almost rather Danny be asking him these questions right now. At least he’d stand a chance against his partner.

He was no match for Grace. 

Steve sat silently, awaiting her verdict, fully prepared to accept any sentence she threw at him. He’d almost gotten her Danno killed; he had, his mother’s crazy cipher had, all of the ghosts of his family’s past had. Steve almost thought it might be an absolution of sorts to have Grace lay into him, almost wanted her to, right in front of all of the unsuspecting customers in the restaurant enjoying their tacos and guac, in front of the servers and kitchen workers, in front of God and the world.

“Danno told me that you’d say it was your fault if I asked,” Grace pushed her plate away. “I remember when Dad’s old partner kidnapped me when I was a kid, all because Dad found out he was a dirty cop and helped put him away. But I never blamed my dad for me getting kidnapped; I blamed the guy that kidnapped me, you know?”

Steve cleared his throat, about to explain to her that it wasn’t quite that simple, that there was so much she didn’t understand and didn’t know, _couldn’t_ know, because neither Danny or he would ever _want_ her to know, but Grace cut him off with a simple shake of her head. “I don’t blame you for Danno getting shot. Danno doesn’t blame you for him getting shot. And I don’t think you should blame yourself. I think you should go back home, and go see Dad, and… I don’t know, take a vacation.”

“I am taking a vacation,” Steve answered dumbly.

“I meant you two go take a vacation. You know. Together.” Grace shoo’d her hands across the table, as if willing them both away to do just that. “I don’t think he likes you being away, Uncle Steve. Every time I talk to him, he sounds sad, depressed. He tries to hide it, but I can hear it.” She tilted her head, considering him before adding, “And if this is you taking a vacation, I’d talk to your travel agent and get your money back.”

Steve felt the knot in his chest return. “It’s always been hard to get things by you.”

Grace narrowed her eyes. “Uncle Steve-“

“Grace, look, I know there are things you want to know – about what happened a few weeks ago, about why I’m here, when I’m going back, and I wish I could explain those things to you, give you more information, but the truth is, I can’t.”

“Because Danno wouldn’t want you to?”

“That, and because I’m figuring some things out right now, about myself, and about what I want, and where I want to be.”

Grace’s face went from shrewd to alarmed in less than a second. “You don’t want to go back home?!”

“No, I do, Gracie, listen to me,” Steve reached across the table, taking Grace’s hand in his. “I _do_ want to go back home, alright? I don’t –“ he cleared his throat, because God, this was hard to say even three weeks later, “ – I don’t like being away from home, or from Danny either. But there are some things I need to think about, and while Hawaii has a lot of good memories for me, it also has some really, really painful ones, Grace. Okay, and some of the stuff I’ve got to think about? Some of the things I need to decide for my life? I can’t do it there.”

“But once you do, you’ll go back home?”

Steve took a breath. “Yes,” he answered, squeezing her hand. “I’ll go back home. It might be a few months, Grace, it might be longer than a few months, but I’ll go back home. And I’m talking to Danno constantly – texting him, calling him – and he’s doing the same with me. You know how he is,” he grinned, hoping to lighten the mood at least a little bit. “It’s not like he can go more than a few hours without letting me hear his latest complaint, right? Whether I’m on the island or not.”

His gambit worked, and he was heartened to see the panicked glint recede from Grace’s eyes, replaced by a sufficiently placated expression and relaxed shoulders. “Okay.” She nodded, breathing deep. “It’s just… it’s weird not to have you guys together all the time, you know? Kind of reminds me of when Mom and Dad first got divorced.”

Steve lifted a brow, and Grace shrugged, unrepentant. “You’re practically a second father to me, Uncle Steve. You know how many times kids at school asked me if you were my step-dad and if you and Danno were dating?”

“Uh,” Steve looked around, pulling his hand back and scratching his chin awkwardly. He suddenly felt rather warm, and the L.A. heat had nothing to do with it. “No?”

“After that winter formal in high school, Riley and Lucy wouldn’t leave me alone about it for, like, the rest of the year.”

“Um,” Steve cleared his throat, looking around the restaurant, feeling awkward and getting warmer and wondering what the hell he’d done to earn this conversation from Grace of all people. It wasn’t that the topic of he and Danny’s relationship being closer than was considered normal for partners, even best friends, had never come up before; it had, sometimes loudly, other times subtly, but always fairly frequently. It had just never been brought up by Grace. Somehow, her talking about it made the implications all the more real, and not the butt of a joke like it had been made out to be so many other times.

“Uncle Steve?”

Steve blinked, zoning back in on Grace who was looking at him as if he’d grown some kind of wort on his head; he actually lifted a hand and glossed it over his face just to be sure. “Yeah, sorry, kind of spaced out there.”

“S’okay. I have class in an hour though, so I should probably get going.” Grace got her things together and Steve paid the bill, of course he did, like he was ever going to allow Grace to pay for anything when she was in his company – fat chance – and they both walked outside.

“Are you going to stay in L.A. for a while?” Grace asked, following Steve as he rounded the corner to his rental car.

“I’ll probably head out in a few days. Mary’s happy to see me, but she’s starting to lose her mind with me in the house.” Steve allowed a mischievous grin to spread on his face. He had no problems admitting that some of the comfort of being with his sister for the last few weeks had also included driving her a little batty with his structured way of doing things. She’d never failed to lord it over him when she came to visit him, and the way he saw it, he was just returning the favor. He stopped in front of the passenger side of the car and opened the door, ushering Grace in. “I’ll give you a lift back to campus.”

The drive wasn’t long, and Steve was soon pulling off to the side. “That’s a nice, long wall there,” he observed, craning his neck a bit to see better. “Nice wall, nice gate. Looks very safe.”

“It’s very safe, yes, Danno made sure of that when we did the campus visit,” Grace rolled her eyes, unbuckling her seat belt, pausing before she opened the passenger door. “I know you have some things to get straight, Uncle Steve, but… try not to take too long, okay? I mean, take as much time as you need, obviously, but I really am worried about Dad. If it’ll help, I’ll send you some songs to listen to, to help you think?”

Steve grinned; it couldn’t hurt. “Sounds good, Grace,” Steve leaned forward, giving her a hug and a kiss on her forehead. “And I’ll do my best. I’ll call him a bunch, bug him till he’s nuts.”

“He’s already nuts,” Grace laughed, tossing a firm arm around his neck and giving him a long squeeze before opening the door and sliding out. “Love you, Uncle Steve.”

“Love you too, Gracie. Be careful. And hey-“ Steve reached over the cabin, catching the door just before it closed. “Regardless of what’s going on with me, if you ever need anything, you call me. No matter where I am, I’ll be here as soon as possible, okay?”

With that reassurance, Steve pulled the door closed and watched as Grace headed into the safety of the campus walls. Drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, he checked his mirrors and pulled out into traffic, heading for Mary’s house, planning the next leg of his journey in his mind. It wouldn’t be near as relaxing as the last few weeks with his sister had been, but it would be just as necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think we ever got a canon view of how Mary perceived Catherine, but I can’t imagine that, after 6.03 that Mary would have a very positive view of her, so I chose to exercise that license here.
> 
> Also, Grace’s major I thought could be a nice influence left over from Gabby. We didn’t get to see much of Gabby and Grace on screen but what we did see lent credence to the theory that they got along well, well enough for Danny to end things with Gabby because he could see Grace getting attached to someone whose career required a lot of travel and long periods of being away.
> 
> And, seriously – does anyone believe that Grace wouldn’t have been asked about her father’s and Uncle Steve’s relationship by some of her closest friends?
> 
> Finally, yes, Ona Hawaiian BBQ is a restaurant located in Los Angeles near the University of South California, or USC


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: _Hawaii Five-0 and the characters found within the series are owned by CBS Productions, K/O Paper Products, and 101st Street Productions. No profit is being made off of this work._
> 
> _Title taken from lyrics from Bruce Springsteen’s Song ‘Leah’._

**Hawaii Five-0**

“Take the office.”

“Nah, man, I’m cool here.”

“ _Take_ the office.” Danny stood with one hand on his hip while he leaned on his cane with the other, looking down on Lincoln Cole who was currently occupying a not so comfortable patch of black tile while leaning back against the wall. His legs were stretched out in front of him, and spread about his space was a tablet, a water bottle, and some kind of protein bar that Danny was absolutely certain was the exact same brand Steve himself dipped into when he needed a quick snack. Shiny and clean as Five-0’s floor may be (the palace custodial staff was top drawer in Danny’s opinion), it couldn’t possibly be comfortable and it definitely wasn’t fit for report writing, certainly not for two weeks in a row. Danny’s eyes had nearly rolled right out of his head when he’d come in just to check on the team, see how things were going, and Lou told him that it wasn’t that Lincoln didn’t _have_ an office, it’s that he refused to take the one that was offered to him.

That office being Steve’s.

“I’m really-“

“Fine there, yeah, I know,” Danny pinched his nose with his left hand, wincing a little as the movement caused sparks of pain around his shoulder area. His bullet wound was healing nicely but moving his arm was still difficult and would be for the next few months. It wasn’t Danny’s first bullet wound; he knew the drill and honestly wasn’t as bothered about riding a desk for another two months as he would’ve been in his younger years. “But look; Steve would want you to take the office, okay? In fact, I can call him right now and let him tell you he insists on it. It’s been a month, okay, that office has sat empty for a month. It misses people, you understand?”

Lincoln raised an eyebrow, and Danny absolutely did not back down from anything he said, particularly that last sentence which, he knew, made him sound as if, perhaps, he should be making an appointment with his and Steve’s old therapist. 

“It misses people?”

Danny committed to his answer, _hard_. “Yes, it misses people. That chair in there? That’s a chair meant to be sat in, and it comes with a desk that’s meant to have pens and papers and laptops laying around on it, not to mention have the occasional fist pounded onto it in frustration. And,” Danny held up a finger, holding off any comment Lincoln was going to interrupt with, “if it makes you feel any better, if it helps you feel like that office can be more your own, I will personally requisition you a name plate – ‘Lincoln Cole, Lead Devil Dog’, anything to get you up and off this floor and into an office, like everybody else.”

“Listen, Detective Williams-“

Danny rolled his eyes. “Danny.”

“….Danny,” He watched as Lincoln pushed himself up from the floor, stretching his arms and shaking out his legs a bit. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate what you guys are all trying to do here – make feel welcome and all – and you have, really, all of you have, but that cat?” Danny followed Lincoln’s finger as it pointed towards the corner office which had sat dark and empty for far too long. “You don’t just _take_ Steve McGarrett’s office, man.”

“You’re not taking it. I’m telling you to use it, and when he gets back, we’ll find you another office, but until then…” Danny closed his eyes, feeling himself beginning to go off on a tangent, one of the deflective variety. “Okay, look. You know me and Steve, we’ve been partners for ten years, right? Been through Hell and back together. You got any body like that in your life, served with anyone like that?”

Cole nodded after a moment. “Yeah.”

“Okay, so then – look, it’s hard enough having Steve gone, okay? Not having him at the house, not being able to work to take my mind off it, and when I do drop by to make sure the place is still standing and at least a few of you haven’t done anything too insane, that they’re still following some semblance of proper police procedure and due process, and I see that office empty? It’s a little too much for me to take right now, especially in my recovery process.” Danny waved away Cole’s confusion as he mouthed the words ‘recovery process’ and continued on.

“It makes me feel better to see Steve’s office being used, alright? To see the lights on, to see that someone’s sitting in his chair and working at his desk, knowing that I get the pleasure of kicking you out once he gets back. So please, humor your injured second in command. Help a guy out, go put a little life in that office, with the understanding that Steve will be back, and that I will throw you out of it once he is, okay?”

“You know, you may as well just do as he says; he won’t stop bugging you until you do.” 

Neither Danny nor Cole had noticed Lou watching from the entrance to the bullpen right across from Steve’s office. He strolled forward now, Aloha shirt sashaying, his hands in his pockets as if he were out for an easy Sunday stroll. “And please understand that Danny Williams can pester and nag and mother hen like no one else I’ve ever known, so do us all a favor, listen to the man, and go sit in Steve’s office, will you?”

Apparently, even a marine knew when to give it up. Cole lifted an acquiescing hand, bent down to pick up his things, and shuffled slowly towards Steve’s office, hesitating before pushing the door open as if Steve would magically appear out of nowhere to chase him out. Danny and Lou looked on as Cole walked around, got his bearings, admired the medals and shadow boxed flag which belonged to Steve and that were still displayed and mounted on the walls.

Whether it was fate or Murphy's Law, Danny had no idea. All he knew was that his phone was ringing, and Steve and Charlie’s faces was grinning up at him, beckoning him to answer, and answer he did.

"I hope you know I just gave your office away to the new kid."

" _Pft_ ," Steve snorted. " _Marines. A Navy SEAL would've held out longer against you_."

"There was no nagging," Danny assured as he lumbered over the computer table, keeping an eye on Cole as he switched the phone from his bad arm to his good one. The kid - yes, he was a kid, he was at least ten years younger than Danny, probably fifteen in all honesty, and therefore, that now made Cole one of the 'kids' - was still investigating his new ( _temporary_ , Danny's brain supplied) digs. "Unlike Navy SEAL's, the marine did exactly what he was told."

" _Yeah, after weeks of you telling him to do it_."

"I don't have a timetable on following my directive's Steven; I gave that up a long time ago when you came into my life. Now, I just hope that eventually, someone does what I tell them to do." Danny looked around, seeing that Lou had gone back to his office and everyone else was either out on business or in their own workspace. "So, uh... how are you?"

" _I’m… you know, I’m okay_ ,” Steve cleared his throat. “ _I saw Grace earlier this week_."

"Yeah, she texted me and told me you met her for lunch. I know you're going through a lot right now, but thanks for doing that. You know she really misses you." _And I miss you too_ , went left unsaid as Danny toed his shoe into the tile.

" _I love her, Danny_ ," came Steve's soft reply, a beat later. " _I’ll always be there for her, no matter what’s going on with me._ ”

Dead air reigned for almost a full minute. Danny could hear background through Steve’s end of the phone, what sounded like cars passing by every so often, a harsh gust of wind every now and then, and he was just about to break the silence between them when Steve cleared his throat.

“ _I’m heading to Virginia tomorrow. Just outside of D.C_.”

It was the worst possible news that Danny could’ve heard, even worse than Steve telling him that he wasn’t ready to come home yet. But Steve didn’t need to know that, not right now. Steve had kept his mouth shut about Danny attempting to reconcile with Rachel, and Danny would do the same for him now, no matter how badly it stuck in his craw. “I hear they got a new casino out that way,” he joked, lamely. “Never figured you for a gambling man, babe. Your poker face is terrible, stay away from the poker tables.” He was rewarded with a throaty chuckle from Steve, and Danny figured that was worth something.

“ _I’m spending a couple of weeks there_ ,” Steve murmured. “ _She – Cath – she uh, she’s in town, back at headquarters so. Yeah_.”

“That’s good,” Danny toyed with the keypad on the table, pressing buttons here and there, watching displays flicker and flash along the suspended screens in front of him. If he broke it, Tani might kill him, but he figured that punishment was worth the risk for the distraction it was providing him right now. “Tell her I say hello.”

“ _I will_ ,” Steve answered, more like murmured, and Danny decided to divert the conversation; it was clear neither he nor Steve wanted to discuss _that_ subject any further. 

“What’ll you do after?”

Steve hesitating even more set Danny’s teeth on edge. “Steve?”

“ _I… thought I’d go to Montana, to the ranch_.”

Danny pushed off the table, doing an about face and fairly sailing out to the headquarters’ balcony. The sun was shining brightly as it always, but now it was in stark contrast with the worry that was fast building in Danny’s heart. “Okay, I know I didn’t say much about it when you first mentioned doing that the night you left, but Steve, I really don’t think that’s such a great idea right now, not by yourself, okay? And not with the kind of place your mind is in-“

“ _I need to check on the place, Danny, I need_ -“

“What you _need_ to do is take care of yourself first, Steve! I thought that was the point of you leaving everything behind, so that you could find peace! What peace are you gonna find at the place where you nearly died and where a guy who was like your father was killed, huh?! And let’s not forget what happened afterwards, Steve – a guy wound up extra well done at your hands. This is _not_ a good idea, Steve; you should _not_ go there alone-“

“ _I’m going, Danny_.”

Steve’s voice was so quiet, it shouldn’t have stopped Danny mid-rant, but perhaps that was why it did. He felt himself deflate. “Fine,” he muttered softly. He could hear Steve swallow through the phone. Danny rubbed his face, suddenly tired, the brief moment of respite he’d experienced before Steve had called vanishing completely in the Hawaiian breeze.

“ _I’ll… I’ll call you in a few days, okay_?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“ _Okay_.”

Danny ended the call, resisting the urge to chuck the phone over the railing, and along with it, his lunch.

**Hawaii Five-0**

Packing had gone quickly, more or less, and that was with Joanie’s insistence on ‘helping’ her uncle, though Steve had a sneaking suspicion that his niece’s help was more her mother’s way of telling him she didn’t want him to leave. After the third time Joanie had taken all of his clothes out of his duffel bag to ‘rearrange’ everything to fit better, Steve had sent her through a check of the house to ensure he hadn’t forgotten anything before she went to sleep.

“You know, you could just ask me to stick around a few more days,” Steve said later as he eyed his sister walking outside to sit next to him on her small patio, a beer in her hand and another to hand off to him. 

“I could, but you won’t, so there’s really no point,” Mary settled in, popping the cap off her beer and taking a sip, eyeing him quietly from her perch. “You didn’t really say much after you talked to Danny earlier.”

“Yeah, well, there’s not much to say.” Steve heard her hum quietly to herself, felt frustration prick at his insides. “What?” He asked, terse and tired.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Mary, please, okay, you made that noise, that noise you make when you want to say something, but you’re choosing not to so you can spare my feelings, so just say what you want to say, alright?”

“Okay,” Mary leaned forward (a little too eagerly, Steve thought), setting her bottle on the ground and fixing him with half a glare. “You’re making a mistake going to meet up with Catherine. You’re trying to find something with her that was gone a long time ago, something that you might be able to find with someone else. And you’re doing this all on your own, away from me, and Danny, and the rest of your friends back home. We lost Mom, and I know you’re still blaming yourself for that. You lost Uncle Joe, and you’re blaming yourself for that too. It’s like you’re forcing yourself onto this little lonely island, like you’re putting yourself in time out or something.” She shrugged, biting her lip. “You don’t have to do this by yourself, and you don’t have to put yourself in situations with people who will just hurt you again.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.” Steve slumped in his chair, rubbing at his eyes, suddenly angry. “You know, a few weeks ago, everyone understood that I needed some time away. Everyone got that. You got it, Danny got it, everyone understood that. Now that I’m actually trying to figure things out, figure out what I want, find some kind of balance in my life, now that it’s been what, three, almost four weeks, you’re all acting like I’ve lost my mind because I have questions that I need answers to in order to move forward in my life! And you know what, it’s a little irritating, Mare.”

“Okay, well, I’m sorry if you have a lot of people who love you and care about you and want the best for you, and who are _worried_ about you, but you do, and when you say that you need some time away but you choose to go meet up with an old girlfriend who’s screwed you over more than a few times, again, I’m sorry, bro, but we’re going to have questions!” Mary stared at him, exasperated. Steve tipped his head back in response, staring at the night sky above him, all the while feeling his sister’s gaze through his periphery. Even the stars seemed to mock him as they twinkled and shone brightly. Not as brightly or clearly as they would in Hawaii though. How many nights had he and Danny sat outside on his beach, beers in a cooler, the tide coming in, the sky a dark blanket littered with millions of jewels glittering above them as they talked about everything and nothing all in the space of a few hours?

“Steve.”

He blinked, Mary’s voice bringing him out of his memories, and looked at her. He couldn’t ignore the stab of guilt he felt as he took in her expression. He’d seen that look in her eyes before, but it was usually a look she got when he had to deliver bad news to her – Aunt Deb or Uncle Joe or their mother; now, that expression was there because _he_ was the main source of her worry. “I need to close that chapter of my life, Mare,” he murmured, pleading with her to understand, even if it was just a little bit. “I have to know. And the only way I’ll know is if I open myself back up to it again and give it an honest chance. I’m not saying I’m going to force it or pursue it or anything like that. All I’m saying is, is I’m going to go spend a week or two with her and see what happens. And after that, I’ll head to Montana and take care of things up there.”

“By yourself.”

“Yes, by myself.”

“You could call Danny, you know,” Mary suggested, a tone of hope in her voice, clearly willing Steve to take her up on the idea. “He’d drop everything and meet you there. You know he would.”

“Probably not after today’s conversation,” Steve muttered.

“You know what I think?”

Steve resisted the urge to roll his eyes. All Mary had been doing for the last half hour was telling him what she thought. “Do I really need to know?”

“Yep, you do,” Mary chirped. “I think you’re punishing yourself for what happened to Danny, and not just him, but Mom and Joe and everyone else, but Danny especially. I don’t think you’re lying when you say you’re looking for peace, but I also think that you believe, for whatever reason, that you’re more dangerous to Danny and everyone else if you stay in Hawaii, that if you didn’t leave, more of our family’s past would come out of the wood work and target everyone you love. If you’re not there, if you’re off the radar…” She shrugged. “That becomes a lot harder. Meanwhile, you’re heading for something you know, something familiar. Cath’s already hurt you so many times that she can’t really hurt you again. You like her enough, I guess, but you’ll probably never love her the way you did before, if you ever were in love with her. So, if something sparks during your time together, you figure ‘I could be happy like this, live a good life like this’. I just see one little problem with all of that.” She paused, waiting patiently for Steve to goad her along, like a cat eyeing it’s next meal from afar, waiting for just the right moment to pounce.

Steve didn’t speak, but he did roll his hand about in the air. Mary took it as a sign to continue.

“Catherine Rollins is never going to leave the CIA. She’s not built for the Leave-It-to-Beaver life, and neither are you, Steve. She’s never going to leave her job, and that means she’s going to be leaving you a lot, not to mention she might bring work home with her, the same way Mom did when we were kids.” Mary stood up, picking up her beer bottle as she straightened and looked down at her brother. “And when that happens, you’ll be right back at square one.”

Steve said nothing as Mary bent to kiss him on his forehead, telling him good night and that she’d see him in the morning. As she disappeared into the house, pulling the sliding glass door shut behind her, a text came through on his phone. Looking down, he saw it was Catherine.

_Still picking you up tomorrow afternoon_?

As he replied a short affirmative, Steve knew any hopes of him catching even an hour of sleep before his flight the following morning had left the patio along with his sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get endless amounts of joy seeing in my mind's eye the day when Steve returns to Five-0 and Danny, with a severe finger, points Cole out of Steve's office. Until that time though, Danny will enjoy being the mother hen to the new kid on the block so to speak.
> 
> Even if he is a marine. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Hawaii Five-0**

“Good flight?”

“I guess. Stuck in the middle seat, so my legs feel like they’re still up by my ears, but, other than that,” Steve shrugged, shouldering his duffle as he looked at the woman in front of him. Catherine hadn’t changed too much over the years. Her hair was still dark and straight, cut in a functional style that allowed her a fun do or a practical fashion if she was working. There was always the light application of cosmetic, never ostentatious, and casual, comfortable clothing. Steve found it amusing with the hustle and bustle that was Dulles International Airport, not a single traveler racing from terminal to terminal would suspect they were passing by two of the world’s best drained special operators.

Catherine walked along side him quietly, passing through the departure exit and into the small city that was the parking lot. Steve found himself wondering why the hell he’d flown directly into D.C., and not a smaller airport and then driven up. He must’ve had a pained look on his face because Catherine was nudging him gently with a hand and beckoning him to follow her.

“Where are you staying?”

“A hotel in Tysons.”

“Tyson’s Corner?” Catherine blinked at him. “I thought you’d have picked some place a little quieter.”

“Well, everywhere else by the water was full. Besides, I can’t swim; too cold.” And it was close to the airport, in case Steve decided to leave sooner than he intended, but he kept that nugget of information to himself, like the seasoned SEAL he was.

“Very true. Welcome to Virginia.” Catherine rounded a sleek car and slid into the driver’s seat. Before Steve could open his mouth, she’d pressed the button starting the car and lowered the passenger window, leaning over and fixing him with a knowing look. “No way are you driving my brand new car, Sailor. It’s either the passenger seat, or you’re taking an Uber.”

Steve grumbled, lamenting the chance to actually work his limbs free of the cramps, and tossed his duffel in the back seat. “I’m staying at the Hilton McClean, by the way.”

“I hear they have a pretty good gym.”

“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I chose it,” Steve buckled up and leaned back, watching people and cars and passengers pass by as Catherine directed them out of the airport and onto the road heading east. The Dulles Toll Road was its own little highway, as busy as the Capitol Beltway, and sometimes even more treacherous, depending on the time of day one ventured on its path.

At just after two o’clock in the afternoon, it was every car for itself.

“Also, probably a little bit of home, too, right?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Steve looked over to find her giving him a soft look. “How’ve you been, Cath?”

“I’ve been good. Busy.” She looked over at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out after your mother died.”

Oh, they were just going to get right into it, were they? Steve cleared his throat, shifting in his seat a little. “Yeah, that’s… it’s alright, Cath.”

“I was under when it happened. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t.”

“Part?”

“They other part was I wasn’t really sure if you wanted to hear from me.” She veered the car onto an exit ramp, transitioning smoothly onto the highway. Ahead just a few miles, Steve could make out the hotels and buildings of Tyson’s Corner and Tyson’s Galleria, an upscale mall filled with expensive boutiques and overpriced restaurants. Maybe he would poke his head in the mall while he was in town, get a few gifts for his team, ship them home.

“I figured you had enough to deal with,” Catherine’s voice pulled him back from his thoughts and he focused on her for the time being.

“No, I get it, I understand.” And Steve did. Kind of. Of course, being in the field would’ve rendered her completely unable to have much, if any, contact with others, and even then, she would’ve spoken to a grand total of one person – her handler. Of course, she hadn’t said anything those weeks ago when she’d surprised him on his flight out of Honolulu but again, if she’d talked to Cole, then she’d likely understood that bringing up Doris McGarrett after everything that had happened with Danny wouldn’t have been the best move. Steve felt a brief stab of guilt as he thought of his partner, and how he’d left things. No matter what was going on in their lives, Steve and Danny had never, not once, not been able to talk to each other. They’d never iced each other out. 

Steve wasn’t about to start now. He lifted, shifted, squired to reach the cell phone in his pocket and opened up a text message to Danny, but his thumbs hovered over the screen.

“Steve?”

He blinked, looking at Catherine, whose eyes were darting from him to the road and back. “You’ve been staring at your phone for the last 30 seconds; you okay?”

“Yeah,” he cleared his throat, “yeah, I’m fine, I’m just…”

“Danny?” She guessed gently after a few quiet seconds. Steve visibly deflated, resting the back of his head on the seat and looking at her. 

“That obvious, huh.”

“You two have been joined at the hip for the past ten years,” she shrugged, easing off onto another exit and cruising into the heart of Tyson’s Corner. “You going away for a few months, not being at home with the team, with him? I know that has to be hard for you; for him, too.”

And that wasn’t really the half of it, but Steve wasn’t about to go into the last conversation he and Danny had had, nor what – or rather _who_ – the subject of that conversation had been. Said subject pulled into the valet check in at the Hilton and parked her car, waving a hotel clerk down. “Let him know your plane landed safely and that you’re going to grab something to eat and take a nap.” Steve felt her eyes on him until he complied, plunking his thumbs on the letters and spelling out the message. _I’ll call you later tonight my time,_ he finished off, hitting send. It hadn’t escaped his notice that Catherine hadn’t advised him to let Danny know he was with her.

“You hungry?” Her voice filtered through his thoughts again. “This place has a pretty good restaurant.”

As he followed Cath’s lead and got out of the car, letting the valet see to its’ parking, Steve’s phone buzzed in his hand. When he looked down, he saw the shaka emoji along with an ‘okay’ from Danny. Putting his phone and his thoughts about his partner in his back pocket, Steve got his bag and followed Catherine into the hotel.

**Hawaii Five-0**

Dinner had been welcome and filling, even if Steve found himself comparing the surf and turf of the East Coast to that served by the Hawaiian Hilton back home. Hotels in Honolulu were known for buying fresh and local, and Steve had always been able to tell the difference between that and something that had been frozen for days on end. Still, the food had been decent enough, and Steve had to admit that the company sitting across the table from him wasn’t bad either. For everything he was trying to figure out in his head, Catherine had always been a good person and friend, even if they hadn’t been able to get their collective acts together in the past.

“So, I have boring office work and report filing to do, but other than that, I’m free during my off hours. Is there anything you want to do specifically while you’re in town?” Catherine set her fork aside and leaned back, a glass of wine in her hand. Steve met her eyes over his bottle of beer.

“I’m not sure, really,” he cleared his throat, setting the bottle back down. “I have some old friends I figured I’d drop in on, see how they were doing. Thought… you know,” he rolled his hand in the air, invisible thoughts and words tumbling between his fingers as he tried to get them out of his mouth. “Thought you and I, we could… maybe spend some time together a little bit. Talk.”

For Steve, that was forward enough. Obviously, Catherine thought so too; her eyebrows were looking to launch clear off her head in surprise. She recovered quickly, though; she always had where Steve was concerned. “When you say ‘spend some time together’ and ‘talk’, what exactly do you mean?”

“Just…” Steve shrugged helplessly. He’d never been good with words, no matter how much Danny had tried to pry them out of him over the years. “Just see where things go, talk, spend time together. I mean… I can’t promise you anything, Catherine. I won’t promise you that after this next week or two or however long I’m here that we can get back what we had, but I can’t sit in front of you and lie and say that I haven’t wondered over the years, especially recently with everything that’s happened, if we should at least try.”

He watched Catherine nod slowly, absorbing what he was saying. “I’d like that,” she said softly, looking at him.

“Okay,” Steve took a breath, relaxing a little. “Alright.”

“Okay.” Taking one more sip of her wine, Catherine leaned forward, setting the glass down. “You’ve had a long flight. I know you want to get up to room and talk to Danny. Why don’t we meet near my office tomorrow for lunch? I’ll text you the address, you can take the Metro in?”

That was an agreeable idea to Steve – heading up to the room to talk to Danny and the lunch…meeting… with Catherine. After Steve took some good-natured ribbing from Catherine about actually paying for their meal, he walked her out of the restaurant and through the lobby to the valet station to see her off. Thankfully, the check in process was easy and quick and it wasn’t long before Steve was settling into his functional room that would be his for about two weeks, unless he chose to take off earlier.

The jury was still out on that.

He opened his suitcase, pulled out some comfortable sweats and changed clothes, and headed into the bathroom to splash some water on his face. When he came back out into the room, his eyes rested on his cell phone, the little device appearing infinitely larger to him than it usually did, and growing, as if it was doing its’ level best to intimidate Steve into picking it up and calling Danny.

Steve would never tell anyone that he bent the knee and picked up the phone.

No, he literally bent at the knee to settle down with his back against the foot of the bed and hit Danny’s number, steeling himself. Unsurprisingly, his partner picked up on the second ring.

“ _Hey_.”

“Hey,” Steve cleared his throat, washing a hand down his slightly damp face. “I’m, uh-“

“ _I’m sorry about yesterday_.”

Steve fiddled with the drawstring on his pants. “Don’t. Don’t be.” He shifted, stretching his legs out until his toes touched the television stand in front of him, letting his muscles expand soothingly until he released the tension. It was a fairly apt metaphor for how he was feeling with Danny on the phone right now.

“ _Well, I am_ ,” Danny muttered. “ _I know you’re going through a lot. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut_.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not having an easy time either, buddy, I get it,” Steve’s finger migrated to join his thumb and pluck at the fleecy material of his pants. “And I don’t ever want you to shut up, okay? When you don’t talk, that’s when I know something’s up.”

A plane flew over head and Steve relaxed back into the bed, comforted by the familiar sound of jet engines and exhaust roaring above. It was one of the reasons he’d chosen a hotel close to the airport, the ability to not only hear, but watch as planes came in and took off, watching as a jet, filled with people excited for a vacation or off on another business venture or who were visiting family, climb higher and higher, soaring promisingly through the sky until it was barely a spec in the horizon. Conversely, the anticipation he got, when waiting, just waiting for the wheels of a landing plane to hit the tarmac, that satisfied feeling of ‘mission complete’ and ‘arrived’ was reassurance that all would be well.

“ _Steve_?”

“Hm? Sorry,” Steve blinked, clearing his throat. “Sorry, I just… kind of zoned for a second.”

“ _Well, why are you wasting time talking to me, you goof? Get some sleep, huh? Did you sleep at all last night_?”

Steve’s heavy silence was the only answer his partner needed.

“ _So that’s a no. Well,”_ a sigh carried through the line _, “join the club, I guess_.”

“Why didn’t you sleep?”

“ _Why don’t you think_?”

Steve closed his eyes. “Well, stop it, okay? I know you’re just looking out for me, Danny. I know that. And being away from home, from you guys, from you,” he swallowed, feeling his chest tighten, and his stomach cramp, “it’s not easy for me either, okay. I promise, Danny, I know how it sounded when we talked on the beach before I left but-“

“ _We’ve been over that, babe. Okay? Neither one of us was in our right minds. Actually_ ,” Danny laughed, a kind of wondrous snicker that set Steve a little more at ease, “ _you’ve never been in your right mind, but you brought me down to your level of insanity, and clearly, that tested the balance of the Force, or whatever_.”

“The _Force_?” Steve pulled the phone away from his ear, giving it a look as if Danny could see it through the phone, and hey, why hadn’t he face-timed with him?

“ _Charlie’s been making me watch the prequels, lemme alone_.”

“Okay, well, are you watching the prequels right now?” Steve smirked, knowing that, unless Danny was home sick with Charlie that, no, his partner wasn’t watching any movies at almost ten thirty in the morning Hawaiian time. Danny, clearly, was not going to dignify that with a response because he hadn’t, well, responded. “How’s the team? How’s everyone? How’s Cole?” Steve pushed himself up, exhaling a long breath. “Is he settling in?”

“ _Well, he’s finally in your office, though getting him to stay in there for more than five minutes is a challenge_.”

“He’s not a puppy you can crate, Danny, he’s a marine.”

“ _Yeah, trust me, I know. He’s like a little mini-you, he doesn’t understand why we can’t just run down a perp and drag him behind a truck for a few miles until he decides to talk_.” Steve heard the rustle of what sounded like papers, and then a chair rolling back. 

“You in your office?”

“ _That’s usually where I am when I’m at work_.”

“You’re not doing field work, are you?” Steve might fly home just to knock some sense into Danny if he was.

“ _Nah, the docs want me on desk duty for another month. No, even better, Steven, guess who gets to have all those meetings with the Governor now_?”

“Uh…”

“ _And the budget_?” Danny was moving around now, Steve could tell, could see him in his mind’s eye walking about, his partner’s arm wind milling and slicing through the air as he spoke in deceptively sweet tones. Steve couldn’t help the little smile that was growing on his face. “ _That large, multi-page document with lots of numerical figures embedded in it that tells us how much the great state of Hawaii has appropriated to this agency, and how much we can spend and what we can spend it on? You remember that thing_?”

“Yes.” Steve was grinning now.

“ _Good. That’s good, because you’re going to walk me through it, because guess who has to finalize it and present it to the Governor in two weeks_?”

“Check the right-hand drawer in my desk,” Steve pushed himself up off the floor, stretching loudly. “You’ll find notes in there that’ll help you.”

“ _I’ll repeat myself just this once since it seems you’ve suddenly gone deaf: ‘you’re going to walk me through it_ ’.”

“Anything for you, Danno.”

“ _And don’t you forget it_ ,” Danny cleared his throat. “ _So. Have you talked to her yet_?”

Steve hesitated before caving in a low voice. “Yeah. She actually picked me up from the airport, dropped me off at the hotel. We had some food, talked. It was… nice.”

Danny, just as quiet, answered, “ _Nice is good_.”

Steve hummed softly.

“ _Alright. I’ve known you long enough to know that’s the song you sing when you’re tired and you need sleep. Go to bed, babe_.”

“Call me if… you know, if anything happens.” He might be clear across the country, but Steve still felt the uncontrollable urge to know what was going on at home, especially since everyone else seemed to think that he needed space and weren’t texting him nearly as much as he’d like.

“ _Charlie wants to talk to you later. I told him maybe after school today, if you’re up for it_?”

“Definitely. I’d love to talk to him. I miss him.” And Steve did. He missed that kid something terrible. “Tell him I love him when you see him this afternoon, okay?”

“ _I will. It’ll probably be around eleven o’clock tonight your time; that okay_?”

Steve would set his damn alarm to talk to Charlie. “That’s perfect.”

“ _Okay_ ,” Danny’s resigned tone came through loud and clear. “ _Go sleep so my kid can wake you up and bug you later. I mean it; get some rest, Steven, okay_?”

“I will,” Steve scratched idly at his neck. “I’ll talk to you later tonight.”

Ending the call, Steve stared at his phone for a moment or two until Danny’s face faded away, and then mentally shook himself, remembering to set his alarm so that he’d be awake to talk to Charlie.

And just in case Danny called a little earlier, Steve set the volume on his phone all the way up, just to make sure he heard it ring if he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever have the opportunity to visit D.C., make sure to take a day to visit Tyson's Corner. It's one of my favorite places in D.C. to go!
> 
> Buckle up, readers. And remember... just trust me. #McDanno4Life


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Incoming angst. Lots of angst. Like. Angst on ten.

**Chapter 5**

**Hawaii Five-0**

The middle of the night in Old Town Alexandria was very different than the middle of the night back home. Whereas Steve had the waves rolling against the shore just a few paces away from his back door on Oahu, waves which he swam in during the morning and that lulled him to sleep most nights, here, just outside of Washington D.C., there was no ocean to sing away his worries. There was only concrete and pavement and metal rolling on top of both, flags fluttering in the wind against a colonial backdrop, but embedded within a decidedly rigid atmosphere that was in direct conflict with the one he’d lived in for the last ten years or so.

He didn’t like it.

Steve supposed it could be worse; he could be at his hotel in Tyson’s Corner, where dozens of bars and restaurants and movie theatres were open until the wee hours of the night and things only quieted down after three o’clock in the morning. That had been bearable when he’d first arrived in Northern Virginia, since it had afforded him a distraction from the thoughts plaguing his mind and the disturbing lack of phone calls from a certain someone who was six time zones away.

And Steve had forgotten how crisp it could still be during the night on the East Coast, even in early spring. But even the heated form sleeping soundly next to him, milk white skin as bare as his was to the early morning chill, did nothing to wipe away the cool, almost icy feeling blanketing his body as Steve stared at the ceiling.

It wasn’t that Steve had thought he’d made a mistake in sleeping with Catherine, not entirely at least. In one way, it had been the right decision, because now, there was no doubt in his mind that his idea to ask her to marry him four years ago ranked in the top five worst ideas he’d ever had in his life. Knowing that was priceless to him. But he also knew that in coming to that realization, Steve was going to have to tell her. 

And that inevitability wasn’t something he’d exactly thought through. Why? He had no idea why. It was unlike him to not see all the angles, all the possibilities and consequences that came with a decision.

Steve had found solace in her body for the evening, yes, multiple times that night in fact. But solace didn’t equal peace. Solace was only a band-aid, and Steve had had enough of those in his life. He needed to leave. Now.

Slowly, so as not to wake Catherine, Steve reached over to the bedside table for his phone to check the time. It was just after three thirty in the morning. He needed to do something, needed to exercise, needed to swim, get moving, do _something_. But, as a city bus passed by just outside the apartment, Steve was reminded there was no sea waiting to comfort him.

Sliding out of the bed and making sure the covers were pulled up around Cath’s shoulders, Steve hunted for his clothes and quietly pulled them on, toeing on his shoes last before heading into the living room and ordering an Uber on his phone, looking for a pad and pen afterwards to leave a note amongst the empty beer bottles and take out Chinese food boxes left strewn on the coffee table. 

That was where it had started, the familiarity, the playfulness, the flirting, following days of lunches and meetups and walks along the Washington Mall. One ducked head and shy look; a single, innocent arm thrown on the back of the sofa; the moment they’d been watching a movie and Cath had tilted her head up just as Steve had looked down and their eyes had met. That old understanding, that same comfortable feeling that had reigned between them all those years ago came back, and they’d both done what had come naturally so many times before, the free flow of alcohol easing any nerves and silencing any doubts. 

_Catherine’s lips whispered a question across his check. “You sure?”_

_Steve dragged his mouth to her neck and bit a mark into it in answer. For the last month or so, all he’d done was think, think so much that he’d given himself migraines. If there was one thing he and Catherine had always been able to do for each other, it was take the other out of their head for a night or two._

_Neither of them lasted long on the couch, both not having slept with anyone else in too long a time to have any kind of stamina to prolong their first bout of sex. The subsequent times in Cath’s bed had been longer, more thorough and torturous, enjoyable. Not fulfilling, but good. Not earth-shattering, but familiar._

_It had been… nice. But it hadn’t been enough._

Steve blinked away the memories from earlier in the night, hastily scribbled a ‘be back soon’ on the post-it he’d found, and turned back, only to find Catherine standing in the threshold of the doorway to her bedroom, a long t-shirt now covering her torso and reaching down to her knees.

“I always knew you were an early riser, but even you have to admit this is a little ridiculous.” Steve could see the soft play of a smile on her lips, but what would’ve normally been a playful quip had the edge of resigned disappointment in her voice. She didn’t have to say it, and neither did he. Without even thinking, they’d fallen back into the same old habits, had reached to each other for comfort and solace, except this time, that’s all it had been for Steve, and he knew Catherine had been hoping for more. He’d used her, and they’d used each other in the past, but that had always been a mutual kind of thing. Now, Steve felt his stomach churn in disgust at what he’d done. He had the answers he needed now, yes, but looking at her face, seeing the underlying hurt there…

“Cath…”

Catherine shook her head, brown, almost black hair shaking out over her shoulders. “It’s okay,” she gave him a tight smile. “Do what you need to do.” As if to encourage him, she padded over to the front door of her apartment in bare feet, opening it. The moon light streaking through the entrance caught what skin was exposed on her legs and face, and Steve couldn’t have missed her stoic expression if he tried.

And he really did try.

He inched forward, phone and wallet in hand. “I just need to go for a run. Can’t go back to sleep.” And it was true, but even Steve knew it wasn’t the whole truth. 

Catherine knew it, too.

“I understand,” she cleared her throat. “Are we still on for later this afternoon?”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine,” Steve stepped out onto the stoop, taking a deep breath of chilly, Northern Virginia air. “I’ll meet you in the lobby at four o’clock, right?”

“Yeah,” Catherine bit her lip, smiling a little. Trying to, at least. “Text me when you get back to the hotel, okay? Let me know you got back safe.”

With a quick nod and even quicker kiss to her cheek – Steve could at least give her that – he headed down the steps just as a car rolled up to the curb, an Uber sticker on it’s driver side back window and the cabin light on.

Steve got in the car, closed the door, and didn’t look back.

**Hawaii Five-0**

Something strange was going on.

As things went, that wasn’t exactly abnormal for Five-0, but in this case, Danny was very certain that something strange was indeed going on.

This case didn’t involve a gory murder, or a disgusting sexual assault, or even a particularly artful robbery. No, this case involved two young, smart-as-whips detectives who worked on the Governor’s task force and who, until very recently, had seemed well on their way to a future ringing with wedding bells and lined with white satin and those little hors d’oeuvres with hot dogs wrapped in sweet croissant rolls.

Maybe the wrapped ‘dogs were more Danny’s wish than anything else.

Either way, Tani and Junior had appeared solid and happy and everything two people in a new relationship would look like, at least on the outside. But for the last few days, Danny had noticed a decidedly icy chill in the glass and wooden framed headquarters that Five-0 called home, and it had had nothing to do with the air conditioner Danny had insisted be blasted at full power as the days gradually became warmer. Oh, Danny could send them out on cases and they would go, but it hadn’t passed him by that Tani had volunteered to visit crime scenes or witnesses or persons-of-interest with Cole. “He’s new, I’m showing him the ropes,” she’d say, shrugging her shoulders and leaving through the doors with every expectation that Cole would follow behind. Which he did. The guy was a marine, but he wasn’t stupid.

And neither Danny nor Lou or Adam had missed when Junior had glared at Cole’s back with a certain brand of distaste that reminded Danny of that scene from Bambi when Bambi and another young buck were fighting over the girl deer. Doe. Fighting over the doe. Whatever. Needless to say, the tension in the office was bringing a discomfort to the team that hadn’t existed before.

These were the thoughts that plagued Danny’s mind as he heard his phone vibrate against his bedside dresser. It was past eleven o’clock at night, and honestly, with the day he’d had trying to contend with being left behind at the office while everyone else went and did the heavy lifting, did their jobs, like actual cops who hadn’t been shot and left behind-

No. He swallowed down the bitterness and reached for his phone. Speak of the devil. “I hope you decided to swim in the hotel pool and not the Atlantic,” he answered. Yes, he answered, but he didn’t get a response back. “Steve?”

“… _I fucked up, Danny_.”

There weren’t many phrases that could make Danny snap up in bed, and the ones that did exist mainly centered around his children and some God-awful unfortunate event befalling one or both of them, usually directly related to something he himself had done. But Steve’s hoarse, tired, _pained_ opening line to him? That did it.

“Is that… is that an ‘I need you to fly across the country to bail me out’ kind of fucked up or-“

“ _I slept with her_.”

Danny hadn’t been prepared for the cramp that suddenly twisted his gut. “Oh,” he coughed. “Um…” He thought about asking exactly who Steve had slept with, but Danny figured that would just be torturing them both more than either of them needed, certainly Steve, and definitely him.

“ _I can’t… this isn’t working_ ,” Danny could hear the frustration in his partner’s voice, the confusion. “ _I left to fix things, I left to find some peace, and to face all this shit – why – why can’t…_ ” If Danny didn’t know any better, he would say the wheezing stutter of breath he heard on the other end was Steve trying to breathe through tears.

“Steve, babe, slow down, okay? Take a breath, just breathe.” Danny followed his own advice, bending at the waist as he sat on the edge of his bed, inhaling deeply a few times and letting the sound carry over the phone, hoping that Steve would follow his lead, match his breathing to Danny’s pattern. After about two minutes, Steve sounded less like a man having a panic attack more like someone who maybe was coming down off a hard run.

“Okay, so uh, so you said you slept with Catherine?”

“ _Yeah_.”

Danny closed his eyes. “And that... didn’t work out so great.”

“ _I_ …” Danny heard the nervous, guilty swallow. “ _It’d gone good with her, the past few days. You know? Felt normal_.”

“Okay. And it didn’t feel normal after?”

“ _No_ ,” Steve gave a heavy sigh. “ _It felt… routine. When I woke up, all I could think about was that I was going down the same road I went down with her before, and then I started thinking about the times she left, the times she lied, and then Doris and just… I – I don’t know what I was thinking, Danny, I don’t – I’m sorry –_ “

If Danny wasn’t alarmed before, he surely was now. “Why are you apologizing, Steve? You got nothing to apologize for, okay? Nothing. For whatever reason, you thought you had to give her another shot, give you two another shot and now you know it’s not going to work. And that’s fine, that’s good news, okay?”

“ _I thought I’d be fine after a few weeks,”_ Steve mumbled _. “I thought seeing Mary, hanging out with Joanie, even seeing Cath… I thought I’d_ …” He coughed, though Danny was sure it was covering a sob that Steve was too proud to reveal, even to him, “ _I don’t know what’s wrong… what’s wrong with me_.”

Danny’s eyes fell closed. He felt his chest tighten, his throat close up, and he cursed every single person Steve had just mentioned, along with dozens more. Well. Maybe not Mary and Joanie, but everyone else was definitely on the list. 

“You listen to me,” he growled through gritted teeth. “There is _nothing_ wrong with you. _Nothing_. Not one thing. You’ve been through Hell, Steve, okay? Ten years ago, you heard your father executed over the phone, eight years ago, you found out your mom was still alive after you thought she’d been dead for most of your life. The psychopath behind all of that captured you and tortured you and made your life a living Hell for five years. A few years ago, a woman you loved very much chose the mission over you, and a month ago, missus psychopath showed up trying to avenge her crazy husband.” 

Danny swallowed. It almost hurt, his throat was so dry. “And between all of that, all the crazy cases we worked – the murderers and terrorists and crap in between – you said it yourself, Steve; you got to Hawaii ten years ago and you didn’t so much as breathe. You’re burned out, babe. You’re hurt, and – and you’re alone,” Danny coughed, hiding his own cry, because the idea of Steve being alone, huddled some place by himself when he was like this with no one to lean on, was about the most painful thing he could think of. It almost canceled out the anger he felt at being left behind. Almost.

“ _I couldn’t stop any of it, Danny_ ,” Steve’s soft voice filtered through Danny’s anger, and suddenly, everything made blinding, glaring sense, and he felt the simmering, underlying fury that had been resting just beneath the surface for almost a month evaporate, at least for the time being.

“Christ, that’s why you left,” he croaked. “You’re still blaming yourself. After _ten years_ , you’re still blaming yourself?” Steve was having a break, an honest to God mental break, and he was 6,000 miles away and Danny couldn’t do anything about it.

“ _Not – not for my dad. Not for mom_ ,” Steve breathed deep and even, and Danny could picture him sitting in a plain, ordinary hotel room, probably up against a cold wall, legs stretched out. “ _Catherine… I never understood why I wasn’t enough for her, until tonight, when I realized she wasn’t enough for me. But when I wasn’t enough for her, when she left… I was getting ready to propose and I didn’t understand why she wasn’t staying. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And now she’s probably asking herself the same thing, and… and I know how that feels, and I can’t believe I did that to her, Danny._ ”

Danny wanted to beat his head against the wall. He wasn’t sure what number this was on his list of reasons why Steve should never have gone near Catherine so soon after leaving Hawaii, but what came out of Steve’s mouth next completely derailed that line of thought.

“ _And then there’s you_.”

“Me?”

“ _What Daiyu Mei did, Danny, what she did to you_ -“

“Steve-“

“ _She almost killed you Danny, over money, over some stupid cipher that Doris left for me. If I’d’ve just gotten rid of it, if I’d have just told that guy to not even bother delivering that package_ -“

“Steven-“

“ _You understand it would’ve been my fault, Danny? If you had died? If Grace and Charlie had lost their Danno because of me_?”

Danny listened to the damn break on the other end as a chill crept up his spine. Pieces of a puzzle were connecting themselves in his mind. So far, he’d only been able to work out the edges, but now, he was able to put together the entire body, given that he had a bit of a road map to follow.

“Are you really stupid enough to blame yourself for what Daiyu Mei did, Steve?” Danny ground out as he slid down to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest. His fingers absentmindedly rubbed the gunshot wound on his shoulder. “You’re not responsible for what that crazy woman did, Steve. Is that why you left so soon after I got out of the hospital? Because you were going to leave anyways to take a breather and you figured the sooner you left the better for me?” Danny closed his eyes, unable to keep the tightness out of his voice now. 

“Because I promise you, babe; it’s not. You think it’s better for me to have you thousands of miles away, knowing you’re tore up and blaming yourself for everything bad that’s happened in your life and I can’t do anything about it but talk to you on the phone? Knowing you’re not handling this the way you should, that you’re forcing yourself into situations you’re not ready for because you’re what? Trying to punish yourself for shit that you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for in the first place?”

Steve didn’t say anything, and Danny didn’t push him to. He listened – and he imagined Steve was too – to his partner breathing through the phone, the pattern occasionally broken by the tell-tale, stuttered chokes that did little to nothing to hide the fact that one or both of them were doing their level best to keep the other from hearing them cry.

And the bitch of it was that Danny knew that he was now going to suggest something that Steve didn’t want to hear and that Danny didn’t want to float as a possibility, but it was either get Steve to do what Danny was going to tell him to do, or Steve would continue to spiral downward.

“So, I think, um,” Danny licked his lips, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, squeezing them shut. He really did feel sick to his stomach, because his idea was the exact opposite of what he wanted but it wasn’t about what Danny wanted. It was about what Steve needed.

“ _What_ ,” Steve nudged.

“I think… I think that you should um, that maybe you should pick a place, you know, a place you’ve never been to before, maybe a city or a beach – an island somewhere, maybe a cabin in the middle of Alaska, I don’t know – but pick some place and just go there for a few weeks and, and uh,” Danny swallowed. “And kind of maybe take a break from everything. Everyone.”

The silence was louder than any protest Steve could’ve raised.

“Babe?” Danny softly prodded.

“ _First you didn’t want me to leave_ ,” Steve answered, strained, voice so damned tight that Danny didn’t understand how he was able to make any noise, let alone form sentences. “ _Now you don’t want me to come back_?”

“No, I do, I do Steve, _Jesus Christ_ , I want you to come back,” Danny rubbed his face, taking a breath, wiping the wet from his eyes. “I miss you more than I thought I could miss someone who steals my car all the time and puts butter in his coffee and eats pineapple on his pizza and any other number of crazy, maniacal things you do, but Steve… what you’re trying to do? What you’re putting yourself through? It’s not helping you, babe, okay? It’s _hurting_ you. You can’t keep going like this, Steve; you can’t. You’re – you’re not ready to deal with all the shit you need to deal with, and if you keep forcing yourself to deal with it before you’re ready, you’re…” Danny didn’t actually want to think about what would happen if Steve pushed the envelope of his sanity much more, but thoughts of news articles and social media posts of military vets who just couldn’t take the demons in their heads in anymore flashed in front of his eyes. 

He pushed them away viciously.

“ _So then what do I do_?” Steve asked, desperate, tired, so sad. “ _The reason I left home was to confront all of these things and figure this stuff out, so if I’m not doing that, then what am I doing at all_?”

“You take a break, Steve; a real one,” Danny clarified. “Go to a beach, or a snowy mountain, or go, I don’t know, go to Africa and ride in a safari, do any of those things, but give your mind a break, babe. Look – you know how when you were in BUD/s, they ran you guys all kinds of crazy? Swimming and running and crawling and God knows what else?”

“ _Yeah_ …”

“Your body wasn’t built to take all of that all at once, so it’d get tired right? But your trainers, they didn’t let you stop, they kept pushing you until you just gave out. That’s what’s happening to your mind, babe, to your heart, to your soul. You’ve given all you have to give, and now they need a break; they need time to heal. But you’re not doing that. You’re forcing yourself, rushing yourself to fix all of this, to fix _yourself_ , but there’s nothing _wrong_ with you, Steve, nothing that some time away – really, _really_ away, from everything, just so that you can get your bearings – won’t fix.”

“ _What then_?”

Good question. “Well, uh, once you got your head on straight, you feel a little calmer, you maybe figure out where you want to go in life… you, uh, you come back home, and… and we go from there.” _Please, please come back home_ , Danny prayed. “I just want the best for you, Steve. You know?” He sighed, suddenly exhausted. “I love you, babe.”

“… _Love you too, Danno_.”

“Alright,” Danny lifted one ass cheek, then the other, the uncomfortable tingling feeling signaling he was going numb from sitting on his bedroom floor jolting him with a little bit of energy. “Okay, uh, call me tomorrow after you’ve slept a little, alright? And I mean sleep, Steve; you need it, okay? Just sleep, stay in bed the whole day if you want, but promise me you’ll stay in bed for at least eight hours after you hang up with me, okay?”

He heard Steve sniff a bit, clear his throat. “ _Alright. Eight hours_.”

“You’re gonna set your timer, aren’t you?”

The best thing in the world Danny heard to date, excepting the first cries of a newborn Grace and the first time Charlie called him ‘Daddy’, was Steve snorting a soft laugh into the phone. “ _I might_ ,” was all he said, but Danny would take it.

“Okay. Look, it’s almost midnight here, the sun’s gotta be coming up in D.C. by now. Go to sleep, Steve. Call me when you wake up.”

After securing a promise from his partner that Steve would indeed call Danny after his eight hour mandatory nap, Danny ended the call and dropped the phone next to his leg on the floor, pulled his knees up to his chest, and finally sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like an explanation of what you just read, keep reading. If not. Wait patiently for Chapter 6!
> 
> Hurt people, hurt people. That was the theme of this chapter. Steve is hurting so much, he's so lost, he's so eager to make things right and see if things could work out, see if he can get back what he had, see if it's worth it, that he's not thinking clearly. Because of that, because of rushing (as Steve is known to do sometimes), he made an oopsie. He realizes it, realizes that it's likely hurt Catherine (and of course he never meant to do that), and he runs (which, if you notice, is becoming a common theme and that will be important for later). Out of character? Maybe, but that's the point - the Steve we were left with at the end of 10.22 wasn't the Steve we felt we knew, so I feel wholly justfied and comfortable with him making this (obvious, stupid) mistake, because hurt people, hurt people.
> 
> Danny's conversation and advise to Steve is an excellent (excruciating) exercise of the old adage, "if you love something enough, you have to let it go, and see if it comes back".
> 
> And of course, we know eventually that Steve will.
> 
> Also, some of you might think, when Danny realizes that Steve is still blaming himself for things with his father and Freddy, might say, "But in the Halloween episode for season 5, Steve told Danny he realized he couldn't save either of them." Yes, that's true, but trauma, especially psychological and deep rooted emotional trauma, has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it. You may think you're past something, that you've accepted the outcome of something, and then an event happens, usually a traumatic one, and you find yourself back at square one having to find your way again. Take it from me; I know. :D The GOOD news is that because you've walked that path before, it's easier to walk again! 
> 
> Chapter 6 is perhaps my second favorite chapter of this entire story. It'll be up before the week is out!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Hawaii Five-0**

Steve kept his promise, mostly. It might not have been a full eight hours of sleep, but it was a good seven hours and some odd minutes, and technically, Steve _had_ stayed in bed after waking up, hiding under the covers from the streaks of sunlight beaming through his hotel window that told of a new day awaiting him, perfectly allowable under the agreement Danny had made with him. It was nice in a way, until he remembered he had another promise to keep.

It was that second promise that had him standing in the lobby of CIA Headquarters in McLean, Virginia, his stomach a bundle of nerves and anger, betrayal and suspicion. He could feel eyes on him, not from anyone walking past him bustling from elevators to offices, but from those ‘higher up’ relying on eyes of a more electronic sort, who had probably known the second he’d stepped off the DC Metro and entered the property, who knew his reputation and were likely wondering if he was here on a simple visit or a more vengeful one. He found himself thankful that Catherine had pushed him to buy the puffy coat and leather gloves he now wore; it helped cover the shiver up his spine he got just from being there.

The CIA had torn his life apart, had destroyed his family, and had made his mother lose her mind so fully and completely in the end that she’d seen no other way out than to turn against her fellow agents and country in an effort to hide away enough money in the hopes that she could disappear from their radar for good. But Catherine had practically begged him to meet her here, had told him how important it was, and Steve eventually gave in.

Honestly, things couldn’t get much worse for him at this point, so what did it matter?

He clocked her coming out of the elevator, all confident poise with a power blazer, a soft, almost relieved smile on her face as he watched her walk towards him. 

“Hey,” he greeted her quietly, looking Catherine over. She didn’t seem any worse for the wear, but he knew Catherine; she’d always been good at compartmentalizing, almost as good as he was.

Well. Had been. 

“I’m sorry about last night.” Steve chewed his bottom lip and shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat, fidgeting uneasily. “I don’t – I know I hurt you. I never meant to.”

Catherine shushed him quietly. “I know.” She plucked at his coat with her fingers and took a step back. “Come on.” She turned, but Steve opened his mouth when she started heading further into the lobby.

“Where are you going?”

“I have something I want to show you first before we go.” She bit her lip and tugged at him again, sensing his hesitance, or rather, his blatant wish to not stick around this place and to get the hell out of dodge as soon as humanly possible. “We don’t have to stay long,” she reassured him, “but I want to at least show you. I think you should at least see it.” She stepped back again, this time keeping hold of Steve’s coat and he moved with her, keeping one eye on Catherine’s back as she turned to lead him through the lobby, flashing her security clearance when required and giving an explanation as to her guest when asked. Eventually, they reached the rear of the building. Catherine kept going, and Steve followed behind her, exiting into the cool air once again, eternally grateful to be rid of the oppressive feeling of being in that place. Well, mostly. 

The CIA campus was a sprawling ring of parking lots and aristocratic buildings all patched together by green lawns and trees, mostly Dogwoods, Steve noted, the official tree of the Commonwealth of Virginia. Just across the street were the headquarters for the Department of State – Steve would never not find that ironic, open diplomacy and shadowy subterfuge sharing the same stretch of pavement – and surrounding all of it were forests of trees with the Lincoln Memorial lit up just a scant mile or so away.

In another life, another time, Steve might almost find it picturesque.

They made their way across a courtyard dotted with white stone benches and sizeable patches of green lawn, cultivated bushes and flower beds and Steve was almost certain at one point, just to complete the visage, a dog was going to go yipping past to chase a ball and roll in the greenery. He thought of Eddie, and a pang stabbed at his heart. He missed that dog. Maybe the next time Steve called Danny, he could tell him to put the phone up to Eddie’s ears so Steve could talk to him.

As they entered the second building, Steve took a look around. The Old Headquarters hadn’t changed much from the last time he’d visited. It was still stoic and looked as if it belonged on a television sitcom from the 1950s, no where near the modern, open floor plan the newer headquarters they’d left boasted. Catherine led him inside and down a corridor. As they rounded a corner, Steve inhaled a sharp breath, stopping suddenly. Cath was at his side within a second, taking his elbow gently and steadying him before leading him about half way down the hall to stop in front of a solemn, marble wall flanked with the flag of the United States on the left and the flag of the CIA on the right. In between each flag and carved into the marble were tiny stars, each one representing a CIA employee who had lost their life in the line of duty. His eyes fell to a glass case anchored to the marble, a book settled reverently within with names written in elegant calligraphy in black ink which clearly came from an old fashioned well, adding to the muted and formal but imminently respectful display.

“Catherine…” Steve breathed, his hazel eyes squeezing shut the moment he caught sight of a familiar name carefully scrawled among the dozens of others on the open page.

“There are four or five reasons an employee of the CIA can have their name placed in this book,” Catherine murmured, folding her arms and watching him cautiously as he took in the sight in front of them, as if she were uncertain of how he might react. “One of them is ‘in the performance of duty while serving in areas of hostilities or other exceptionally hazardous conditions where the death is a direct result of such hostilities or hazards.’.”

“But… Catherine, she – my mother was compromised, she killed another CIA officer,” Steve ran a hand down his increasingly warm face, trying to take deep breaths as he absorbed what he was seeing.

Catherine slid a hand into her the pocket of her pants while placing the other on Steve’s elbow again, taking a breath. “She served the CIA honorably and faithfully since her early twenties, and then she went into a life of hiding when she realized her husband and her children were going to bear the brunt of her work. When she re-emerged, everything she’d gotten into with the CIA before she’d gone under came back with her. Most of her life was devoted to the CIA, some of it by choice but some of it not, and in the end, she lost her life in the performance of a mission that the CIA sent her on.” She allowed herself a chuff of laughter. “At least, that’s how I put it to the Director. We all know what happened in the end, but maybe it never would’ve happened if the CIA hadn’t left her in the cold. I thought she deserved this.” She turned her gaze up towards Steve. “The Director agreed.”

“He did?” Steve’s voice was hoarse, still taking in the memorial in front of him.

“…Eventually,” Catherine let a sly grin slide through her expression. “I may have had to use some not-so-ethical means to convince him.”

Steve blinked. She flicked a shoulder up, her hair falling forward a bit to frame her face. “Let’s just say his marriage is still happy and intact because he signed off on my recommendation. An affair is something he can’t afford, either personally or professional; he’d be forced to step down if for no other reason than the…oh, yes, the black mail he’d subject himself to.” Her smile was not unlike a sharks, Steve thought.

“Why?” He swallowed. “Why did you do this?”

“Because as bad as things got between the two of you, I know she never stopped loving you, or thinking about you, or Mary Ann for that matter. I’d never want to be put in the position she was put in, having to make the choices that she made. I can’t even imagine it, Steve. She may have gone off the reservation at the end, but she devoted a good portion of her life to being one of the agency’s most valued assets. That should count for something. I think so, anyway.”

Steve inched forward, lifting a hand and letting his fingers trail just barely over the glass above the graceful letters of his mother’s name, over the ‘D’ all the way to the final ‘T’ spelling out their last name.

“Your family has given everything they have to this country, to keep it safe, from your grandfather all the way to you,” Catherine murmured, watching Steve absorb what he was feeling under his fingertips. “I know what that means to you. And I figured, after everything we’ve been through together, if I could give you this… then it all meant something in the end.”

Steve, still staring at the wall, reached back with his other hand and found Catherine’s, squeezing it.

“Thank you.”

Eventually, Steve pulled himself away and they left, walking the long trail to the parking lot in silence. Catherine didn’t seem to find; she appeared to expect it, really, as she got in her car and Steve slid into the passenger side, and Catherine flipped the radio to an easy listening station. Her suggestion that they have dinner back at the Hilton’s restaurant was met by a grunt of acquiescence from Steve, who stared out the window as they traveled the 495 all the way back to Tyson’s. When they arrived, Catherine took advantage of the valet parking and they both headed into the restaurant, thankful that it wasn’t too busy yet and that the wait for the food wasn’t long.

Steve had finished about half of his steak before he sat back, letting out a long breath, which alerted Catherine enough that she looked up from her salad, eyebrow arched in question. “That sounds promising.”

The corner of Steve’s mouth quirked up slightly. “Yeah?”

She nodded, covering her mouth with the hand that held her fork. “Yep.”

“I always wondered why you chose the CIA, after everything you knew about them, about what they could do, about what they did to my family.”

Catherine swallowed. “Steve-“

“It’s okay, Cath. I think I understand now.” He considered her, watched her lean back in her seat, saw the shift in her shoulders that had meant she’d crossed her legs, had folded her hands in her lap. “You’re not going to stay a field agent forever, are you?”

She laughed, a light and airy sound that was very welcome after the heaviness of the last 24 hours, shaking her head. “That would be impossible.”

“Yeah, but when most field agents know they’re time is winding down, they go the training route, steer the next generation.” Steve was still looking at her, as though he was fitting the last puzzle piece into its’ rightful place. “You’re not planning on going down that road, though.”

“No,” Catherine answered after a few moments, pursing her lips. “I’m not.”

“What you said earlier, about my mom and her being left out in the cold, having to make decisions you would never want to make… You want to climb the ladder so you never have to.”

Her fingers slightly scratched the back of her ear. “I do.” Steve leaned forward, lowering his voice, even though the restaurant wasn’t busy, but it was force of habit from his decades of work with highly sensitive information. Perhaps he was being paranoid, but he wouldn’t be at all surprised to find, when he would later walk Catherine back out to her car, a government issue vehicle parked conspicuously nearby watching his movements; he simply expected the CIA to put at least a dull cramp in his life now.

“You want to be at the top.”

“Well,” she tilted her head casually, a wicked gleam in her eye, “it’s pretty boring on the bottom.” 

“Cath-“

“I can make the agency better, Steve,” Catherine leaned forward now in earnest, keeping her voice low and stretching her arm across the table, gripping his fingers. “I know you’ll never support me staying with the CIA. I was hoping that maybe we could move forward together, and I could still continue with my work, but…” _After last night_ went unsaid. “I understand your fears. I get why you wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with someone in my line of work…” She took a breath. “And you’d have to still feel that way about me for it to even have a chance of working out.”

“I’m, really, really very sorry about last night,” Steve scrubbed at his face with his hands, exhaustion suddenly weighing him down. “I never meant to use you.”

“I know that, Steve,” Catherine smiled at him with more kindness and understanding than he felt he deserved from her right now. “What you went through, what your family has gone through with the CIA is just one of the many reasons why I want to be in a position to change the culture of the agency. The best way I can do that is being the head of it.” She leaned back, folding her hands in her lap again. “How’d you know?”

“Not many people go after the Director the way you did just to get someone’s name added to the Memorial Wall,” Steve pointed out. “And that’s not usually your style, not unless you’re trying to send a message.”

“And it was received.” Catherine reached for her water and took a long sip from her straw.

“It’s a dangerous message to send to a dangerous person, someone who could end your career, Catherine,” Steve warned. “And it was stupid to waste that move on me.”

“No, it wasn’t. As for the risk, you let me worry about that.”

“And when people ask questions?” Steve challenged. “People know who my mother was, Cath, what she did in the end. Agency gossip gets around faster than high school rumors.”

“We’re the CIA, Steve,” Catherine couldn’t help the slight Cheshire grin on her face. “People know what we want them to know.” She canted her head as if to say, ‘do you doubt me?’

Steve did not.

Soon after, the bill was paid and Steve was walking Catherine out of the lobby to the valet station. After giving her ticket to the attendant, she turned, regarding her ex quietly.

“Are you sticking around for much longer?”

“Ah, I don’t know. A few more days, maybe. Or I might wake up tomorrow and decide to move on.” He shifted a bit on his feet. “I was going to go to Montana, see Joe’s ranch, deal with some things there, but Danny doesn’t think that’s a very good idea.”

“Well, Danny’s usually right,” Cath grinned softly up at him. “And if you do go up there, he’ll know, and he’ll come find you just like he did last time.”

“Yeah,” Steve knew that much was true. “Look, Cath-“

“If you apologize one more time, I’ll tell the lobby to give you multiple early wake up calls,” Catherine stepped forward, giving Steve a tight hug. “It’s alright, Steve. I understand. And look, with some of the decisions I made, I can’t really hold it against you.”

“I didn’t do it because of that.” Steve hugged her back, pressing a kiss against the top of her head. “I just…”

“I know.” Catherine pulled back just as the attendant drove up with her car and flashed a smile, her feet carrying her backward as she kept looking at him. “When ever you get to where you’re going next, Sailor, give me a call.”

Steve lifted a hand, watching as she slipped into her sleek, black sedan and drove off. Sliding his hands into his pockets, he stood quietly at the entrance for a few moments before turning around slowly and heading up to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my second favorite chapter that I wrote, and I’ll tell you why.
> 
> Resolution.
> 
> There’s resolution. It’s kind, but firm. It hurts, but it hurts in the good way that let’s you know, ‘hey, this isn’t meant to be, and not only is that okay, but it’s a good thing.’ 
> 
> I’ve always loved Steve and Catherine’s friendship – and that’s all it should ever be: friendship. They’re down for each other as friends, and that is when they’re at their best for each other.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you to trust me :D Now everything is resolved with THAT issue, and we can get to the next half of this little story.
> 
> Hope you're enjoying it so far!

**Chapter 7**

**Hawaii Five-0**

Danny couldn’t take it anymore. He was gratified to know that Lou, Adam, and Quinn were at the end of their ropes, and Cole was just wondering what he’d done wrong. Junior and Tani? Well, who knew what was going through their heads at this point. The fact remained that Danny was ready to crack their skulls to see the inner workings of their brains just to figure it out.

The tension between the two had only gotten worse, much to Danny’s irritation and the consternation of the rest of the team. It had all came to a head earlier when Junior’s phone had gone off and shortly after, Tani had come to Danny telling him that she and Quinn were heading out to follow up on some leads for their most recent case, and afterwards, if it was late enough, she’d likely just head home. As she’d walked out the door without a look back, Quinn following close behind, Danny hadn’t missed the pensive, torn look on Junior’s face before heading back into his office, and that moment was what brought Danny to _this_ moment.

“Alright,” Danny got him from his desk, “I’ve got a meeting with the Governor. You two,” he pointed at Lou and Adam, “are taking Junior out of here for the rest of the day, and I’m going to go talk to Tani.”

“What are we supposed to tell –“

“I honestly don’t care what you tell him,” Danny leaned forward on his desk, hanging his head for a moment to stretch out the tension in his neck. Lately, he was able to put more weight on his left arm, and he supposed that had to do with the stretching he’d been doing since he’d decided to take on a massive painting job at Steve’s house. A project that he hadn’t told his partner about and one which Danny had decided out of the clear blue to begin. “But they can’t keep going like this, Lou, and they gotta understand that. If they’re going to work together and be together, they gotta be able to get through rough patches without bringing it into work. And I fully support them being together, by the way, but…”

“I gotchya, man.” Lou slipped his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels for a moment, sharing a look with Adam. “We’ll take him out for a beer and see what we can do.”

“Or you’re welcome to come by my place,” Adam suggested, “Tamiko won’t mind, and if there’s something Junior needs to get off his chest, it might be easier for him to do that in a familiar space rather than a noisy bar.”

“Go, away, be off. Fix him, make him stronger,” Danny waved them both out and fell back into his chair just in time to see the face of his phone light up with the photo of Steve and Charlie on his phone. Chewing his lip, he slid his finger over the surface after a few moments of hesitation and hit the speaker button. “Hey.”

“ _Hey_ ,” came the soft response back. 

Danny, hearing the tone in Steve’s voice, leaned forward and took the phone off speaker, bringing it to his ear instead. “You okay?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Steve answered after a moment, as if he had to think about it. “ _Yeah, I’m okay. Just uh… had a hell of a surprise this afternoon_.”

“Oh yeah? What, did you discover that you can, in fact, drive the speed limit and not spontaneously combust?”

Steve laughed, chuffing softly in his ear, and that was about the best sound Danny could’ve heard right then. “ _No, not that_ ,” Steve cleared his throat. “ _Catherine asked me to meet her at work_.”

“Uh-huh,” Danny swiveled in his chair a bit. “And when you say ‘at work’ you mean at super-secret spy headquarters, right?”

“ _Well, she does work for the CIA, so_.”

“Why’d she want you to meet her there?”

“ _She had something she wanted to show me. Turns out, she’d uh… persuaded the Director to add my mother’s name to the Memorial Wall_.”

Danny’s eyebrows climbed up a tired and tense forehead. “Really?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” Steve confirmed. Danny thought he sounded slightly wondrous and partly confused. 

“Um, okay,” Danny wasn’t entirely sure where to take the conversation, so he started off with the most obvious question. “The Director was persuaded, huh?”

“ _That’s what she said_.”

“I don’t think I want to know anything more about that. Probably some deep, dark, Deep State secret she’s holding over his head or something.”

“ _More like the tried and true sin of infidelity_.”

“That’s always been a winner,” Danny responded, agreeably. “How are you two doing otherwise?”

“ _We’re okay_. _She threatened me after I tried to apologize a third time, so…,”_ Steve sighed, and Danny could picture him leaning forward with a hand on his morosely shaking head. “ _I still can’t believe I did that to her. I just… I guess I didn’t think it through all the way_.”

“Hey, hey, hey, I thought you were supposed to be healing and getting your head on straight, not beating yourself up.”

“ _Yeah, well, that’s a little hard to do when you keep hurting the people closest to you_ ,” Steve practically snapped. A muted apology followed, with a frustrated growl ensuing right after. “ _I don’t know why I keep doing that_ ,” he muttered.

“Because _you’re_ hurting, Steve. And instead of just easing yourself into getting better, you’re pushing yourself to face things you’re not ready for. We talked about this last night, remember?” Danny swallowed, because he remembered that late night phone call and the tears and restless night that had come after.

“ _Well. Speaking of that, Cath actually agreed with you about the whole not-going-to-Montana thing_.”

“I always said she was smarter than you.” Danny supposed Steve heard the grin in his voice because he heard Steve chuckling on the other end of the line.

“ _After the last forty eight hours, I figure you’re right. I don’t feel like I’d fall apart if I got there, but then I didn’t think I’d just… you know, do what I did with Catherine, either_.”

“So… what does that mean, then?” Danny hedged. “You staying in D.C.? Going some place else?” _Coming home_? Danny selfishly allowed himself to silently wish. He glanced at his watch; half past three Hawaii time so that mean it was nine thirty in D.C. “If you’re talking to me when you should be sleeping to catch a red-eye out of Dulles International, I’m going to be very displeased, Steven.”

“ _No red-eye out of Dulles, Danny, at least not tomorrow morning_ ,” Steve promised. “ _Actually, I thought I’d take tomorrow to, maybe… um, you know… go see some sights_.”

Danny blinked. “You mean you’re gonna be a _tourist_ , Steve?”

“ _Yep. Figured I’d go down to the hotel gift shop and see if I can get a disposable camera or something_.”

“Babe, I don’t think they even make disposable cameras anymore,” Danny pointed out. “Besides, the camera on your phone is a hundred times better than anything Kodak made.” Not to mention that Danny couldn’t really tell if Steve was joking, but he had a sneaking suspicion his partner wasn’t, which only served to further prove that Steve hadn’t been on an honest to God vacation in the ten years.

“ _Either way, I’ll text you some of the hot spots. You can show them to Charlie_.”

Danny grinned. “He’d love that. He misses you, by the way. Told me to tell you that when you come back, he wants to come stay over at your house for a weekend so you can teach him to surf.”

“ _I’d really like that, Danno_ ,” Steve’s voice was soft, almost brittle. “ _God, Danny, I’m sorry for all of this. Maybe I should just come back ho-_ “

“No,” Danny surprised himself by saying it, because Steve coming home was the one thing in the world he wanted most right now. He could tell Steve was shocked too. “Believe me, I miss you, Steve. I’m… I gotta admit that I’ve gotten so used to you being around, being here, living with you for the last few months that it’s… it’s been hard not having you here. I mean, I’ve even started painting your house, babe.”

The sudden revelation obviously knocked Steve for six, if the tone of his voice was anything to go by. And Danny couldn’t see his face, still didn’t know how to work that stupid Face-time thing, so he had to settle for that. “… _You’re painting my house_?”

“Yeah,” Danny picked at his trousers a bit. “Painting. Cleaning. Maybe I’ve been trying to make your third bedroom into something livable. Junior’s been helping.”

“ _Okay_ ,” Steve’s tone was one filled with questions but no desire or energy to argue about the decision Danny had made. His house was being painted, probably colors that Steve would hate, and Danny was cleaning his house, but Steve trusted him to know what to throw out and what to keep. But so help him, if he came home to a pink kitchen, there would be war. “ _But why don’t you want me to come home_?”

“I _do_ want you to come home, Steve. I do. But if you came home now, how long would you stay if you did?”

Danny hated himself for the silence on the other end of the phone. “Better you come home when you’re ready instead of because you feel guilty, Steve. You know? If you come home now… If you come now, babe, I’m afraid you’ll just leave again, and that…” That would break Danny. He knew it. He was hardly getting by right now, was going through the motions, taking it day by day, and it was tough, harder than Danny had thought it would be.

Or, maybe it was exactly as hard as he’d feared.

_You never realize what you have until it’s gone_. Danny had given more thought to that phrase than he’d cared to over the last almost five weeks since Steve had left.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Steve mumbled. “ _I get it_.”

“And stop apologizing, Steve, will you?” Danny was desperate to get that through Steve’s head. “You shouldn’t be apologizing for taking care of yourself. It’s about time that you did, honestly. I just… you know, I just wish I could help.” He wanted to say _I wish I could_ _be there_ , but Danny had a feeling that would just increase Steve’s shame spiral.

“ _You help every time you pick up the phone or send a text, Danny_ ,” Steve said, voice rough now. “ _Reminds me I have someone – something – to come back to_.”

“Well,” Danny took a breath, letting the warmth from that admission flow through him. “Good.”

**Hawaii Five-0**

Danny made himself comfortable in one of the chairs outside of Tani’s house. Quinn had thankfully kept him informed throughout the afternoon on their movements and had very kindly texted Danny that Tani was currently on her way home. So, he was glad he didn’t have long to wait to see Tani’s small, silver Chevy sedan pull up into her driveway. He lifted a hand, offering a slight wave in greeting as he saw her register him. After only a moment’s hesitation, she popped her head out of the car and shut the door, twirling her keys around her finger. “Hey.”

“Hello,” Danny squinted through the bright sun as she walked towards him. “You and Quinn find anything out?”

“Nothing much. Quinn had some thoughts as we were leaving. We’ll run it tomorrow.” She settled into the chair next to Danny and leaned back, closing her eyes. “This a social visit?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, we’re being social, we’re talking, sitting next to each other, enjoying this lovely Hawaiian evening, so I’d say we’re being social.” Danny watched her tilt her chin forward and open her eyes to fix him with a knowing, bemused look.

“I sense a serious talk coming.”

Danny rubbed his hands together. He’d had far too many of these lately. “Yeah,” he sighed, quietly. “What’s going on with you and Junior, Tani?”

Danny watched her roll her tongue into her cheek, saw her face tighten at the mention of Junior’s name. She opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again, and Danny could tell this was going to be a very deep conversation. He probably should’ve brought beer, honestly.

“Or, you know we don’t have to talk about what’s going on,” he leaned forward a little in his seat. “But, Tani, whatever is happening with you and Junior is affecting your work; it’s affecting both of you. And that’s something that I have to step in and point out.” Danny kept watching her, seeing clearly how uncomfortable the topic was making her, and his heart tightened a little. “We’re all worried about you two, you know? This isn’t like you, either of you. So, what’s going on?”

“Junior’s been supporting Layla,” Tani finally bit out, toeing her boot into the ground, distracting herself. “He’s been sending her portions of his paycheck, buying her son clothes, stuff like that.”

“And he didn’t tell you?” Danny asked, gently. “You found out?”

“I saw a text on his phone one morning that was from her, just saying thank you for something.” Tani lifted her long, brown hair off the back of her neck, bringing it forward to help herself cool off. “When I asked Junes about it, he just shrugged it off and said that he’d helped her with something. I let it go. And then about two weeks later, he was on the phone with her. I asked him about it again, and he said that she was calling to say thanks for something else he’d done, but he didn’t want to talk about it. So, I pushed.”

“Pushing is always good,” Danny winced. “I guess the conversation didn’t go so great.”

“You’ve seen us recently,” Tani looked at him, ‘duh’ radiating from her. 

“That’s funny, because you don’t strike me as the kind of woman to be threatened by that,” Danny studied her quietly. “You’re mad because he didn’t tell you?”

“Wouldn’t you be?” Tani shot back. “I get why he’s doing it; he blames himself for her boyfriend’s death. Junior shot Tory and it doesn’t matter that it was in self-defense – Tory is dead because of him. Leyla’s son doesn’t have a father anymore, and Junes feels like he has to make that right. I’ve told him some pretty personal things over the years and I just… wish he would’ve returned the favor, I guess.” She kicked a pebble, and Danny watched it tumble across the road and land in the middle of the pavement.

“You know, when I was still married to my ex-wife, she’d say the same things to me when I wouldn’t want to go into stuff that had happened at work.”

Tani raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Oh yeah,” Danny cleared his throat, scratching at his neck. “That was always one of many problems she had with me and my career. But, she had two issues, the first one being that I just wouldn’t talk to her about some things, but the second problem was that she knew I’d talk to my old partner, Grace, all the time about everything – work, stuff going on at home, family issues, just anything, really.”

“That… sounds like there was something more going on than just the regular partner relationship, especially if you didn’t want to talk about that kind of stuff with your wife,” Tani hedged, leaning on the armrest closest to Danny, looking at him.

“Yeah,” he cleared throat. “Rachel thought so too. We fixed it, though, but only because Rachel forced the issue, and then she got pregnant with my daughter, and…” _And then Grace Tilwell was murdered because I thought it was a good idea to go into a known gang hideout without back up_ , but Danny kept that to himself. “If you and Junior are going to be in a relationship and work together, then you guys have to work through this stuff. You have to talk. You know, you two don’t have the luxury of being able to go to work and forget about it or get some breathing room, because your offices are literally right next to each other.”

“Yeah, I know,” Tani groaned. “You’re right. And I’m sorry we brought all of that into the office. Honestly, I never meant for it to get to the point where you feel like you have to stalk me after hours to talk to me about it.”

“Well,” Danny offered her a grin, “if it makes it any better, your co-workers made the stalking pretty easy.”

“Quinn?”

“She likes me,” Danny shrugged.

“Is that right?” Tani shook her head. “She’ll probably have to fight with McGarrett, whenever he gets back.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “No matter what anyone says, we’re still not married, and I didn’t mean that she liked me like that. She just likes me enough to tell me when to expect you at certain places when I need to talk to you is all.”

“See, the thing about what you just said is that you denied Quinn’s liking you like that, but not McGarrett’s,” Tani smirked at him. “Speaking of, any idea how much longer we’re going to have to suffer under your rule?”

“I talked to him earlier today,” Danny shrugged. “He still needs time away. It’s only been a little over a month or so.”

“Did you tell him about his house?”

“I did, yes, I told him about his house, and as I predicted, he didn’t even argue with me about it.”

“Probably because he was too shocked that you actually picked up a paint brush to respond,” Tani rolled her eyes and Danny was preparing a rather indignant rant when a familiar, old model car crept up to park along side Tani’s. The engine cut and the driver’s side door opened and Junior stepped out, coming around to stand at the hood of the car, a resigned and apologetic look on his face as he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his cargo pants.

“That’s my queue,” Danny murmured, slowly getting up and heading for his car. God, he missed his Camaro, but he refused to drive Steve’s over-compensating Silverado rig. Except for when he needed to buy supplies for his little self-imposed housing project; he’d drive the truck back and forth to Sherwin Williams as many times as it took to get everything he needed. As Danny got into his rental and started it up, the next best part of his day after hearing from Steve earlier was to see Junior stride forward and pull Tani to him, hugging her tightly, and Tani going willingly.

Pushing away the thought that he couldn’t wait to do that with Steve when he got home, and the questions it brought to the surface, Danny pulled away from the house, pointing his car home – to Steve’s.

_Home_ , Danny’s mind decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read some of the ‘What was on tap to happen if we’d gotten a season 11’ articles, one of the plot points was that Tani was going to find out that Junior had been helping/supporting Layla for some time. I decided to use that as a bit of a plot device for our favorite crime fighting team juuuuuust to spread the angst around a bit.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Hawaii Five-0**

_“Where’d you learn how to fish?”_

_“Every summer we’d visit family in Australia. Dad would take me down to Port Phillip Bay, we’d cast in a line, and sit there for hours, just me and him.”_

The thought had come unbidden to Steve as he’d laid in his luxury Hilton bed, watching his phone roll over from two thirty in the morning to 2:31. For whatever reason, after he’d gotten off the phone with Danny and had gone through the motions to settle in for the evening, his mind had traveled back five or so years, to not long after Catherine had called to tell him that she was going to stay in Afghanistan, that she’d found her place and that he shouldn’t wait for her. 

Ellie Clayton had been a welcome addition to his small circle of friends and, for a time, he’d wondered if a smart, savvy prosecutor like herself, who had shown absolutely no issue with calling Steve out on his shenanigans, could possibly be interested in a recently heart wounded, abandoned, hard-nosed Navy SEAL like him. They’d spent some time together, like that afternoon on his beach fishing for dinner and talking about cases and cars and Australia and some other countries they’d both visited – her for travel or vacation, him for work (the ones he could mention, at any rate), but in the end, Steve had figured he’d lost enough for a while and had decided to keep everything platonic. Ellie, thankfully, had understood and they’d maintained a good friendship since then.

So, he hadn’t questioned himself when he’d called her, even knowing it was late in the evening in Hawaii. Ellie hadn’t seemed put out, answering the call with a pleased if not confused tone. Steve had apologized for calling so late before launching into an interrogation of sorts, asking questions about Port Phillip and if the fishing really was as good as she’d said it was, and how busy a place was it, was it a good spot for some down time?

Forty-eight hours later, Steve had touched down in Melbourne and was settling into his rented Air B&B clear on the other side of the city in quiet St. Leonards on the Bellarine Peninsula. Ellie had told him that if he was looking for a less ‘touristy’ area, the west side of Port Phillip Bay would suit him fine.

The house was nice enough, with a respectable distance between his neighbors, and it was a short walk to the bay from the back deck which also provided a lovely view of the crystal blue waves gently lapping against the shore. It wasn’t anything like home of course – this was a bay, not a beach, and there wouldn’t be any surfing worthy waves here, no tide coming in at night to lull him to sleep, but the air was just as clear and clean as it had been in Honolulu, the water was deep and temperate enough for swimming, and the town was sleepy and local, just what Steve had been looking for.

After figuring out the bus system and taking a ride into town for some essentials and to have a look around, Steve headed back to the house, hands laden with enough food and hygiene products to get him through the next day or so, and settled in for the night. He was still wired from his flight, but he’d take a shower, knowing the heat from the water would relax him enough to let him sleep later, not to mention the cool weather. While Hawaii was preparing to greet the summer, Australia was meeting its winter months in the coming weeks. It would be colder than Steve was used to, and he’d have to get some sweaters and maybe a few more pairs of sweatpants but sleeping for the next few weeks wouldn’t be a problem.

Hopefully.

Shower taken, sleep pants and t-shirt on and sticking to his still steam-warm body, Steve grabbed a beer and his cell phone and stepped out onto the deck, putting the beer on the railing facing the bay and dialing his phone.

“ _It is almost eleven o’clock at night here, Steven_.”

Steve grinned. He hadn’t heard Danny’s voice in over thirty-six hours. “I knew you’d be up.”

“ _Oh, is that right_?”

“Yep.”

“ _And how’d you know that, huh? You psychic now or something_?”

“Nah, I got some texts from Grace that came through after I got off the plane. She’s been sending me songs to listen to that she thinks will help me relax and said you were taking the day off tomorrow, so.” Steve sipped at his beer, listening to the night life and breathing the bay breeze.

“ _Speaking of which, you never said where you were going_.”

Steve laughed softly. “You want to guess?”

Something hard and solid knocked against an object that sounded of a light kind of metal. “What are you doing?”

“ _You want to guess_?” Danny shot back smartly. “ _I am currently attempting to bring your house into the twenty first century by painting the kitchen a gentle, sunny yellow_.”

Steve blinked, the image of Danny standing up on a ladder, paint roller in hand and shirtless coming to his mind, unbidden. Why shirtless? Instead of lingering on that odd thought, Steve cleared his throat and repeated: “Sunny yellow?”

“ _Well, that’s what it says on the can_.” Steve heard Danny grunt and something squeaked a few times – probably Danny bending over the pain pan to bury the roller in the paint. “ _Won’t know until I get it on the wall though_.”

“Sunny yellow,” Steve muttered, taking another thoughtful sip of his beer. 

“ _You got this nice, big window above your sink, babe, and the sun rises on ocean side of the house. It’ll look nice, especially in the morning_.”

“Okay,” Steve shrugged. He knew what Danny was doing and why. He may have hated the therapy sessions they’d attended for a few years, but he walked away with a few points of understanding on how Danny’s mind worked; this was his partner’s way of staying in touch, maintaining a connection with him. “I’m in Australia, by the way; Port Phillip Bay, just south of Melbourne.”

The squeak, squeak, squeak of the roller came through the phone again and then stopped. “ _Okay, I give_ ,” Danny clicked his tongue. “ _What took you all the way out there_?”

“I remembered Ellie talking about fishing here with her dad when she was younger. Seemed like a nice place to visit, take some time to myself. Just… _be_ , I guess.”

More squeaking from the roller. “ _How long_?”

“I dunno,” Steve shrugged. “A few weeks, at least. Long enough for you to turn my house every color of the rainbow if you want.”

“ _Just for that, your room will be bright fuchsia_.”

Steve grinned. “How’s Eddie?”

“ _Ah, you know_ ,” Danny hedged, then mumbled to himself about needing a smaller brush. Steve heard a plastic bag rustling in the background. “ _He’s okay – misses you, of course. When I stay here, he sleeps with me. I let him roll all over your bed to soften it up for me_.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my mattress, Danny.”

“ _There’s firm, and then there’s concrete, Steve. Guess which one yours is_?”

“Exactly how much money are you spending on all of this?” Steve asked, suddenly. “You’re not blowing through cash to fix up my place, are you?”

“ _Paint doesn’t cost that much_.” Steve could hear the disinterest in Danny’s voice, but he wasn’t quite buying the casual answer he was being given. “I’m calling my bank and naming you as an authorized user. They’ll mail me a second card to the house so you can access the account.”

“ _No, you’re not_.”

“Yes, I am.”

“ _Fine. I’ll cut it up when it gets here_.”

Steve actually lowered the phone from his ear and stared at it for a moment, perplexed. “Danny, you’ve got your own place and an eight year old kid to think about-“

“ _Which I can do and also buy paint and brushes and paint pans all at the same time_ ,” Danny answered smoothly. “ _This is my project. Mine_.”

“And that’s _my house_ , mine,” Steve retorted. 

“ _And you told me I could stay here as long as I wanted. Eddie needs me, I can’t leave him alone, and Junior and Tani finally patched things up between them so he’s not spending as much time here, and I refuse to sleep in a house with an interior design scheme that reminds me of Lucy and Ricky’s apartment. You saw me with the restaurant, Steve, don’t act like you’re surprised, babe_.”

“Control freak,” Steve muttered, shaking his head. “Fine. I’m still calling the bank and getting the card mailed though, and I’m going to do that text notification thing that lets me know when it gets there, and if you don’t use it, I’ll just deposit the money into your bank account when I get back.”

“ _Looking forward to it_.”

Steve knew Danny wasn’t talking about the deposit at all. “I’m gonna go listen to some of the songs Grace sent me and go to bed.”

“ _Any Bruce Springsteen_?”

“No, but there’s something about a bird and an American mouth in one of them.”

“… _I gotta talk to her about her taste in music_ ,” Danny muttered. “ _I’ll send some pictures of the one hundred percent better kitchen tomorrow. You’ll thank me later, trust me_.”

“I’m sure. Good night, Danno,” Steve smiled, ending the call.

**Hawaii Five-0**

Over the next few weeks, Steve slept, ate, puttered about St. Leonards, took the bus line into surrounding towns, and hiked the nearby trails and swam in the bay for exercise. It was a quiet life, peaceful. He’d wake in the morning, eat breakfast, and either go for a run or a swim before coming back to the house, showering, and figuring out the rest of his day.

He’d visited the maritime museum in Queenscliffe, a charming village to the south and slightly west of St. Leonards with a population of just over two thousand people, and for the first time in a long time, Steve felt like a haole all over again. Everyone treated him kindly, of course, and for being such a small town, Steve felt certain they were grateful for the revenue he was shelling out, but it didn’t change the fact that he walked and talked differently than the locals did, that he had to ask for clarification when he heard lingo he didn’t quite understand.

Had Danny been there, he’d be grinning like a Cheshire cat.

The museum had been paid more than one visit by Steve over the weeks. For being such a small, out-of-the-way kind of place, it certainly had a good deal of history to offer, and Steve was nothing if not a closeted nerd interested in all forms of antiquity, but especially that of boats and ships and the seas that shepherded them across the globe. The array of model ships had definitely caught Steve’s attention, and one day, as he’d been looking at a particular model, he heard what sounded like a warning bell one might hear on a ship being dinged and donged throughout the room. A quick investigation found a five year old boy ringing the bell to his amusement while a man, who Steve presumed to be the boy’s father, was crouched down next to him, explaining (after the kid had his fill) the reasons why the bell might sound.

Steve had taken a picture and sent it to Danny, asking him if he’d like to install one in the next car Danny got, and had moved on to the diving displays. A few hours later, Steve’s text alert had gone off, and a middle finger emoji was his answer to that question.

He’d also taken the opportunity to purchase some gifts for Danny, Charlie, and the rest of his ohana. For Charlie, he may have gone slightly over board, but Steve knew that was him exercising his guilt more than anything else, and he figured that Danny wouldn’t have a problem with a tiny light house, a model ship, and books describing the historical and practical purpose of each.

And through all of that, Grace kept sending him different songs to listen to, including, Steve couldn’t help but chuckle at when he looked down at one link to a YouTube video, a song by Bruce Springsteen called ‘Leah’, along with the following text: _Danno said you should listen to this one. Next time, please tell him I’m sending you Springsteen and Bon Jovi songs, so I don’t have to listen to an hour and fifteen minute music history lecture on them. Love you_.

Steve had texted back a frowny face with a tear emoji along with a promise that he’d spare Grace that particular torture in the future.

Once the daylight began to fade, Steve would head to the local market if he needed to pick up groceries for a few days, and then head home for dinner and a shower, and maybe a good book if he found one on the case he liked. If it wasn’t too late for Danny, he’d call and talk to him for a while and, gradually, he’d started to call the others too. He’d begun with Junior, who’d brought him up to speed with his and Tani’s relationship and how secretly helping out an ex-girlfriend had been a stupid move on his part, noble as his intentions were. Then, Steve had gone on to Adam. It had been… awkward, to say the least. Steve still had some major issues with how Adam had gone off on his own Yakuza Crusade without so much as a heads up, but he also knew he couldn’t ice the man out forever, nor would he. They’d be okay again, Steve knew that; it would just take time.

The conversations with Quinn and Tani had been short, sweet, and to the point: “Come back home soon,” Quinn had said. Tani had been a tad more honest: “Danny’s driving us all nuts.” 

Steve had laughed.

Lou Grover… Steve texted him. He wasn’t sure why – no, that was a lie, he knew why. Lou had been the only other person on Five-0, other than Danny, who Steve had shared some very personal, very intimate struggles with. In fact, Lou had read him like a cheap magazine only a few times after they’d met, knew that Steve was dealing with traumas and guilt that most others wouldn’t be able to conceive of, and that was because Lou had experienced them himself. 

If Steve got Lou on the phone now, he knew Lou would sagely finagle his way into making Steve face some things that he wasn’t quite ready to face, just like he had when Steve was reaching critical mass six years ago, when the guilt from having to leave Freddy Hart behind and not being able to save his father was eating him alive to the point where someone Steve hardly knew had pinpointed somehow, someway, that he was a ticking bomb, and that it was only a matter of time before he’d go off.

No, Steve wasn’t ready for the amount of honesty Lou would make him face, not yet. So, texting it was.

At the end of the second week of his stay, Steve contacted the owner of the house he was renting and requested a few more weeks, which he was granted with little issue. It seemed his proprietor, Mr. Hagsden (“That’s _Haygs_ -den, not Hags-den!”) had a few houses he rented out and, being that winter was on its’ way, the demand was low, and he was happy to have the income; Steve was happy to give it.

He was also motivated to conduct a few repairs on the house he came across – nothing major; a few loose floor boards, some rusted hinges on the kitchen cupboard doors, the railings on the stairs could use some tightening, and the kitchen and bathroom sinks and the tub all required new washers to stop the constant dripping, among other, minor tasks. The repairs gave Steve something to do with his hands, something to accomplish, easy, monotonous tasks that gave him the time and space to do mindless work without the threat of being shot or getting caught in the glare of a terrorist’s plot or worrying if the next decision he made – for a case, about a suspect, with his past – would cost him, or worse, someone he loved, his or their lives.

Steve had nightmares. Not every night, not even most nights, but some nights, and while the ones of the past had featured a variety of friends, villains, and perilous situations, the nightmares of late were ones that starred Danny, and had persisted since the day his partner had been hunted down, taken away, tortured, shot.

Almost killed.

Steve could still feel the weight of Danny’s body in his arms as Tani had squealed the tires of his truck, speeding away from the house Danny had been held in and racing to the hospital. He could still see the blood all over his hands, on his shirt, on _Danny’s_ shirt and face and neck, feel the unmoving hand he held as Danny lay motionless in a hospital bed, hear Danny’s tired, guttural voice as he struggled to make _Steve_ feel better, after everything that had Daiyu Mei had done to him.

Steve’s routine was the same when that particular terror would wake him up from sleep; he’d get out of bed, grab his running shoes, some shorts and a t-shirt, and run up and down the street within sight of his rental home until his legs burned and he was too tired to do another lap. He’d pad back to the house and into the shower, and let the hot water from the faucet mix with the hot water from his eyes, and quietly beg whatever deity might be listening to never let him have that dream again. But it hadn’t worked, not yet. 

Steve figured he must’ve used up all his chips begging for Danny’s life.

And then, he’d go through the day. Sometimes he’d find one of the books in the bookcase interesting and curl up with it on the plush couch. Other times, he’d spend the day on the deck, watching the waves and drinking a beer. Sometimes he’d catch the bus and find a trail to hike or run. And then always, always he’d think to himself that the longer he was away, the safer Danny was. The safer _everyone_ was, but Danny especially; it was the same thought process every single time. Danny would kick his ass from Australia all the way back to Hawaii, but it was true. It didn’t matter that Daiyu Mei was in prison; Steve knew well by now how her operation worked. Wo Fat had had several people on the outside working for him, doing his bidding, keeping his businesses moving and afloat so that the authorities were always a few steps behind even when he’d been incarcerated. Steve had no doubt in his mind that his dead arch nemesis’ wife had the same process for her own business, and he’d asked Catherine to keep tabs on any of the woman’s known contacts and to alert him if she saw anything suspicious. 

Steve hadn’t told Danny about the nightmares, not yet. But Danny would call, or text, or both after Steve had one, as if somehow sensing something was wrong, that his ‘Steven – Is – In – Trouble – Radar’ had pinged and it was time to check in. Danny would never ask how Steve was sleeping, but being that Danny usually called an hour or two after Steve had woken from a nightmare, Steve couldn’t see how Danny didn’t have some kind of ESP when it came to his sleeping patterns. 

Most times they’d talk about anything that came up; work, Grace, Charlie, whatever interesting thing Steve had seen or done recently during his self-imposed Kung-Fu-David-Carradine routine. Then there were the rarer occasions when Steve would put Danny on speaker phone, his partner would do the same for him, and they’d sit quietly for however long they had together. Steve might read or play on his phone while Danny painted a room at Steve’s house, giving a play-by-play color commentary (pun intended) or, if he was at headquarters, while he typed up a report. The clickity-clacketing of the keyboard on Danny’s end was oddly soothing to Steve’s mind, made him feel as if he were in his office right across the bullpen from Danny and not halfway across the world from him.

Either way, when Steve was calm enough to continue about his day (or catch a nap to make up for the sleep he lost), or if Danny had to jump off the phone (he was slowly easing back into field work), Steve found himself wanting nothing more than to see Danny in the flesh, hear his voice without the filter of a phone, and thoughts of when it would be time to head home began to percolate. Those thoughts would take up the rest of the time Steve was awake, and until his head hit the pillow, he would think of just how _good_ it would feel to be home, to see his ohana again, to see Charlie and Danny again. And the cycle would continue just like that.

So, it was no surprise when, after experiencing just such an occasion with Danny once more at the beginning of his fifth week staying in St. Leonards, that Steve realized the stalling routine had run its course when his phone rang and he looked down, swallowing at the grinning face on his screen.

Lou Grover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I now want to jet off to Australia. G’day!
> 
> The dialogue from the beginning of the chapter is from 5.06, entitled ‘Ho’oma’ike’, from the close out scene where Steve invited Ellie over to a post case fishing/beer night. I’d had the thought for Steve to go to Australia, and I remembered this particular scene where Ellie was talking about her and her father visiting family in Australia, but I couldn’t remember where. So, I found the episode, watch it, and boom – Port Philip Bay it was! 
> 
> This episode is actually one of my favorite episodes from the entire series, and really, I think, has the most beautiful opening: Pearl Jam’s ‘Pendulum’ playing in the background, scenes of Hawaiian life unfolding, and the familiar blue Chevy Silverado, Steve’s truck, driving down the road, obviously intent on getting somewhere until we see Danny sitting at his spot, looking over the ocean, thinking about Matty, and you just know Steve is going to him. It’s the most beautiful opening, I think, the series gives us – not to mention it’s also a pretty good Halloween episode as well!
> 
> If you want to learn a little more about the area Steve is staying in, you can visit this website for the museum I cited in this chapter: https://maritimequeenscliffe.org.au/ as well as this website to learn more about St. Leonards: https://www.victorianplaces.com.au/st-leonards.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Hawaii Five-0**

Rachel Hollander (formerly Williams, formerly Edwards, presently confused-beyond-all-belief) didn’t know if a single-family dwelling could be classified as a disaster area, but if it could, she was relatively certain that Steve McGarrett’s home would qualify with ease.

Standing in the door way of the unfortunate home, Rachel stared open mouthed at the mountain of plastic tarp covering furniture which had been moved every into the center of the living room, resembling a game of Tetris gone bad; at blue tape lining the corners and angles of the walls; at paint cans and brushes and pans and packaged curtains, and in the center of it all was her darling son, his face and shirt a pallet of baby blue paint.

“Hi, Mom!”

“Hello, Charlie,” Rachel inched her high heels further in, warily. “Where is your father?”

“Right here,” Danny hopped down the stairs, t-shirt and jeans stained with a rainbow of colors, his hands not much better off. “You’re early.

“Thank God for that, or I might find our son tie-dyed from here to Buckingham Palace,” Rachel arched an eyebrow. “Danny, what are you doing?”

“Ah, well, Rachel, I know this might look like game of tennis,” Danny mimed swinging a racket with a paint brush in his hand, “but, as you can see, I am, in fact, painting.”

Rachel arched a perfectly shaped English eyebrow, indicating their surroundings with a manicured finger; French tip this week, Danny noticed. “Yes, I _can_ see, though I think you and I have a slight difference of opinion on what constitutes ‘painting’.” She shook her head, turning her attention back to their color-coated offspring. “Charlie, do you have a change of clothes?”

He nodded.

“Well, go on and get them on. Off you go.”

As Charlie scampered up the steps, Eddie trotted into the living room from the kitchen, hearing a new voice in his home. He lumbered to a stop in front of Rachel, sniffing at her curiously.

“Well, hello,” Rachel knelt down gracefully, and how she did that while wearing three-inch high heels was a mystery Danny would never be able to figure out as long as he lived. She reached a hand forward which Eddie sniffed at before offering her an approving lick and moving closer. “Proper boy,” she smiled, looking up at Danny as she scratched Eddie behind his ears. “Why are you painting Steve’s house?”

“It needs it.”

“ _It_ needs it? Or _you_ need it?”

Danny’s only response was a glower as he moved away from her, picking up a brush and dipping it into the paint. Walking over to the corner he’d previously been working on, he stepped up onto a ladder and began stroking long lines of sky-blue paint at the top of the wall, blue tape protecting the ceiling from any stain. With his back to the stairs, he didn’t see Charlie come down, but he heard Rachel tell him to take Eddie out back and play with him for a little bit. He sighed inwardly and prepared himself for what was sure to be a fantastic conversation.

“Well,” Rachel mused, “Bob Ross you are not.”

“You think of that one all by yourself?” Danny snarked, tossing a look over his shoulder at her, who was standing primly now, hands in the pockets of her dress skirt, an amused smirk on her face. “I never doubted your intelligence, babe, not for one moment.”

“Lucky for you, otherwise it would’ve been to your detriment.”

“Rache, I’m kind of busy here, so if you’ve got something to say-“

“Why are you painting Steve’s house, Daniel.”

“I like to paint.”

“You have your own house to paint.”

“Yeah, well,” Danny shrugged. “Steve’s place needs an update, desperately. I mean look at it – it probably hasn’t seen a touch up since his family first moved in here, it’s practically begging for a makeover. I’ve got the time, the will, the money, so.”

“Have you thought that perhaps Steve likes his home the way it is?”

“No, because if he did, he’d still be here,” Danny almost snapped.

Eddie barked from somewhere in the backyard, but other than that, not a sound passed through the house.

“What I meant,” Danny started, but Rachel cut him off.

“It’s alright to be angry with him, Danny,” she gently offered, coming a little closer, heels clicking on the wood floor, even through the plastic that protected it. “To tell you the truth, I’m a little miffed at him myself.”

That admission surprised Danny. “Why’re _you…_ miffed at him?”

“Because he left you,” she answered, as if it were the simplest answer and Danny was a moron for even asking the question. “You were kidnapped, you were beaten, you were shot. And a week later, he picks up and leaves.” Rachel shrugged. “But I’m probably most angry at him because of what his leaving has done to you. It’s made you do this,” she gestured to the walls, “bide your time, doing something for him, making something new for him, until he comes back, all the while ignoring what _you_ need because you mistakenly believe you don’t have a right to be angry that he left as he did.”

“He told me a few weeks before all that happened that he needed some time off, Rachel.” Even to Danny’s ears, the reason sounded weak, and as expected, Rachel punched through his defense easily.

“Fine, he needed time off. But one week after you were released from the hospital? He couldn’t have stayed an extra week or two? He had to leave immediately? It’s been what – two months since he left?” 

The only thing Danny could offer was a half-hearted shrug. “Fine,” he caved. “Yes. I’m pissed at him, okay? I’m pissed at him for leaving, I’m pissed at him for leaving so soon after everything happened, I’m pissed that he keeps blaming everything that’s happened on himself, I’m pissed at him for a lot of things. But Rachel, it’s not like the guy didn’t have good reasons, okay? He’s neglected what he’s needed for years, for even longer than he’s been on this island. He’s always put everyone else before himself which is probably another issue on top of all of the other issues he’s got.” He shook his head, running a hand through his hair and not caring that some paint stuck through the shaved side; his temper was gaining steam. 

“So yes, I’m angry about it. I’m angry at him. But I also get it, Rachel. I get it. His dad, his mom, Joe, Catherine, all of these people who were supposed to be there for him and guide him, people he was supposed to be able to trust, people who were supposed to love him, they all left him, right? So, I can’t really be surprised when he leaves someone who _actually_ loves him because he’s scared to death he’s the reason I’m going to die one day!”

It was funny, now that the words were out of his mouth, to his ex-wife no less, that a strange sense of peace settled in Danny’s mind. His heart was still tight, still hurting, still cracked, but his thoughts were a little clearer, at least.

“I thought you were working on not holding things like that in,” Rachel said after a moment.

“Yeah, well,” Danny’s shoulders sagged. He was suddenly exhausted. “Look, Rachel –“

“It’s alright, Danny,” her smile was tight, but it was genuine. “I’ll just go collect Charlie.” Before she turned away completely, she looked around at the one wall he’d finished. “For what it’s worth when he does get back, I don’t think he’ll mind all this. Or…”

“Or?” Danny lifted his chin a bit, rocking back on his heels.

“Or much of anything you just told me. If you tell him.”

He had about two minutes to get his act together before his son streaked into the living room to say goodbye, Rachel offering only a cool nod as she closed the door behind her. Taking a deep breath, he looked around and spotted Eddie, standing a few feet from the door Rachel had just shut, as if hoping the next person to walk through it would be Steve. 

Danny could relate. He could relate very well, apparently.

The dog’s owner failed to materialize, Eddie let out a gruff whine and looked over at Danny, who walked over and patted Eddie’s head affectionately.

“How is this my life,” he muttered to himself. Eddie shook his head, his ears flapping against the sides of his head, and sighed in answer.

**Hawaii Five-0**

Nine weeks, three days, seven hours, 38 minutes.

Steve looked at the app on his phone that tracked how long it had been since he’d left home. He’d debated over whether or not to tell Danny that it was the app that had tracked the length of time Steve had known him, but had decided in the end that it was much more fun if he simply continued to let Danny believe that Steve calculated the amount in his head, down to the hours and minutes.

Sometimes, you had to create your own entertainment.

Entertained wasn’t what Steve was feeling now though, not since Lou’s phone call a few days ago.

_“You remember the first time you invited me over to your place?” Lou asked. “It was after that reporter was gonna run that article about me and what happened back in Chicago. You told me about your friend, Freddy Hart.”_

_Steve knew he should’ve let this call go to voice mail. “I remember,” he answered instead._

_“You told me that the Navy didn’t feel the same after he died, that when you were offered the opportunity to get out, run Five-0, you put yourself into a reserve status and took the job.”_

_“Yeah,” Steve nodded. That was true. “Freddy, my father, all of it played a role.”_

_“Yes, it did. And I summed all of that up into you running away. You remember what I said afterwards?”_

_“I’m sure you’re going to remind me.”_

_“Well, I am, just because I’m that kind of guy,” Steve could hear the smile in Lou’s voice, and he couldn’t help but allow the corner of his mouth to turn up at least. “It went along the lines of getting distance from your problems only works for a while, but eventually you’ve gotta deal with the root of your issues, all those jumbled thoughts up in your head.”_

It hadn’t taken much prodding from Lou for Steve to spill everything after that. 

Too many memories back home, too many bad ones, too many painful ones. A tomb that he’d thought for decades had held his dead mother’s body only to find that she’d been alive the whole time; a house that had served as a murder scene more than once; a warehouse he’d been held hostage in and tortured for hours and hours by a man who hated him more than anyone else; a lonely bed that was made lonelier when a woman he’d wanted to marry left him for a career he couldn’t compete with; an island where his friends, his ohana, _the person he cared about most in the world_ , had been kidnapped, beaten, shot, God knows what else. 

With all of that, how the hell was Steve expected to find any peace there? Every street corner was a warzone in his mind’s eye, every warehouse a crime scene, every person a suspect or future suspect in whatever crazy scheme Five-0 managed to stumble upon.

_“I hear you, man. I understand. That’s a hard road to travel; I mean, you know why I left Chicago.”_

_“Yeah, I do. Same thing.”_

_“Well, not quite,” Lou pushed back. “See, I left Chicago because I couldn’t get that little boy out of my mind, couldn’t get past the fact that at the end of the day, my decision to continue to get his father to stand down rather than just let SWAT go in and get him was what ended his life. But you… you’re a little different.”_

_Steve felt his brow furrow. Hard. “What do you mean?”_

_“You left Hawaii because_ you’ve _had a lot of horrible things happen_ to you _. See, none of your decisions cost someone their life, Steve.”_

_“It almost did.”_

_“But it didn’t,” Lou held fast. “And you and I both know that any decision you made that day wouldn’t have mattered in the end. Daiyu Mei was gonna do what she was gonna do, regardless if you cooperated or not. And Danny hasn’t really wanted to get into it, but I know you were thinking about leaving before that little episode with that crazy woman and what she did to him. But I know that wasn’t easy for you to handle either; in fact, it probably made you leave a little quicker.”_

_Steve swallowed, saying nothing. Lou continued._

_“Second difference is that I was able to take my family with me when I left Chicago. I wasn’t leaving much behind but a few co-workers I had some good Friday nights and some Bears games with, but the most important people in my life, I got to take with me. The most important people in your life? They’re all back here, and they make up all those other happy memories you have; memories, I might add, that_ far _outnumber the bad ones, wouldn’t you say?”_

_“Yeah, but…”_

_“But what?”_

_Steve licked his lips, wrestling with his next words, words that hadn’t come out of his mouth since he was probably ten or eleven years old. “I don’t… I…”_

_“You don’t know how to make peace with all of it,” Lou finished for him. Steve gave a muted ‘yeah’ in response._

_“Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know you do that either, Steve, but I do know one thing.”_

_“What?”_

_“You don’t do it alone in the Land Downunder with crocodiles and crazy folk running around with spears and nothing on but their underwear.”_

_That had gotten a laugh out of Steve. “I’m in the more developed part of Australia, Lou. I guess Danny would call it civilized.”_

_“That he would,” Lou agreed, a laugh of his own coming through the phone. “We all want you home, Steve. We all miss you, we all love you.”_

_“I don’t know, Lou,” Steve muttered quietly. “I feel like… like all of my problems, all that baggage will just come back with me.”_

_“It will.”_

_“Then what’s the point-“_

_“That’s what we’re for, man,” Lou said. “Your problems, your baggage, your issues, whatever you want to call it, all of that’s going to be waiting for you when you get back anyways. That’s why you stop running; so that you can come back home, and deal with it now, and get on with your life. And when you do, we’ve got you.” He paused. “Didn’t you tell me once that’s what ohana was for?”_

The sun was coming up, subtle and golden, slowly waking the coastline with its gentle light. Steve blinked, staring out over the bay and stretched his legs, realizing he’d fallen asleep in his sweats, or had at least dozed. A half empty beer sat on the table beside his chair, still chilled from the cool night air, but dull by now. He rubbed at his eyes, dry and gritty from not having slept properly. Oddly enough though, he felt more rested than he had in a while. Clear headed, even.

He checked his phone; it was nearing six forty-five in the morning. He was cold, his body ached from sitting in a chair most of the night, his ass was numb, and he had a slight headache, but all in all…he felt good. Settled.

Ready.

Sliding his thumb on the phone’s screen, he opened his browser, and typed in Hawaiian Air’s website.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure it's been long enough :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: I’m taking some creative license here in this chapter. You’ll know it when you see it. Bear with me. I make no apologies for the cheesy goodness either :D

**Chapter 10**

**Hawaii Five-0**

Flying from anywhere around Australia or East Asia and heading east was always an interesting experience. It was like going back in time; once a plane crossed the International Date Line, clocks, cell phones, anything electronic that wasn’t shut off automatically adjusted its’ time accordingly, and an individual suddenly found themselves living in the day before, as if he’d gone back in time.

Steve supposed technically, he had.

It was fitting that _Back to the Future Part 2_ was the in-flight movie on his way home. It was a good flick, Steve thought; a compelling enough story based on unfounded science, a great soundtrack, and Christopher Lloyd was always good for a laugh. He’d looked up from a book to find Marty McFly hiding from his future self in his future house, witnessing his future termination. He watched the movie just until Marty was able to escape his pre-determined fate before fishing out his phone and headphones and scrolling to the list of songs Grace had sent him over the last two months.

It was a fairly eclectic collection she’d put together for him. There were, of course, the obligatory artists and songs that Danny had ‘encouraged’ her to send, and Steve even saw the quotes around the word ‘encouraged’ in his mind’s eye. There was some Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, songs by someone named Christina Perri, one called ‘Flightless Bird’ that Grace had told him to listen to even if it came from the Twilight movies – Steve had no idea what that meant, but he trusted Gracie’s taste and added it in the playlist, along with a few other tunes before hitting play and settling back, looking out the window at the inky sky, dotted with stars in the distance. 

Steve could remember a time in his life when he’d be on a plane, flying through a night sky just like the one outside until they reached the drop zone, and then he and one, two, nine other guys sometimes would jump and float through the heavens until they landed in their target area, ready to complete their mission, whatever that mission was. Over and over and over, dozens, hundreds of times, Steve had done that, until the last time when he and Freddy had made that jump into a North Korean jungle, but Steve had left alone, Freddy giving his life to save his.

“You always were the more sensitive one.”

Steve blinked, opening his eyes – did he fall asleep? He must have, because for a second it sounded like –

“Yeah, you’re not crazy. It’s me.”

Steve practically jumped out of his seat. “ _Freddy_?”

Freddy Hart was standing next to his seat wearing a shit eating grin, jeans and an open collar shirt, watching him with that look in his eye that often spoke of an incoming rowdy night at the local bar. “Freaked out yet?”

Steve had to be dreaming. He _had_ to be. He hadn’t thought he was that far gone, but maybe –

“I take it back; you’ve always been crazy, but you’re not _that_ kind of crazy. Yes, you’re dreaming, Hoss. You think we could have a real conversation if you were awake?”

Steve blinked, hazarding a guess once he could unlock his tongue from his throat. “…No?”

“Good answer, because that would just be weird, not for only for you but for everybody else.” Freddy settled in beside him. Steve scooted up and over a bit, rubbing his hands palms on his legs. Freddy chuckled.

“What; you don’t trust me?”

“I trust you with my life.” It was out of Steve’s mouth before he could say it. He practically swallowed his tongue, ducking his head and looking away.

“You know, you’ve really got to stop doing that. It happened. We both knew the risks. You’d’ve done the same for me,” Freddy shrugged. “I don’t blame you. Kelly doesn’t blame you, my parents don’t blame you. My daughter doesn’t blame you. Command’s investigation cleared you. I’m the one who told you to take Hess and get the fuck out of there, and here you are ten years later and you’re still blaming yourself for something you and I both know we had no control over. We were just young and stupid enough to think that we did. And now, all that shit? It’s all affecting what you can have right now, man.”

Steve had never been able to fight Freddy on anything. Apparently, that included in dream space. “Yeah, I know,” he relented. “I think I figured that out. I think that’s why I’m ready to go back.”

“Good thing, too. That guy you live with is messing up your house pretty bad.”

“Danny?” Steve coughed. “You can see that?”

Freddy laughed. “Of course, I can see that. I’m dead, dude, not blind.”

A slow smile spread on Steve’s face. Even… well, passed away, (Steve couldn’t bring himself to say the word ‘dead’, even in a dream) Freddy was still the optimist, always looking at the glass half full, looking at the bright side.

“But seriously, Steve,” Freddy shifted a bit. “Let me go. Let your dad go. Let Joe go. Let your mom go. We’re all okay, we’ll be fine. But you? You’ve spent the last ten years blaming yourself for shit you never had a chance of stopping. And every second you spend doing that, you’re missing out on what you _can_ have, and man, what I see for you? It’s pretty freaking sweet – if you let yourself have it.” He clapped Steve on his shoulder, sliding his hand around to the back of his neck and squeezing it. “You’ve got so much to give in that heart of yours, McGarrett, a life you’ve been waiting to live, probably for way longer than ten years. No more waiting, buddy, okay?”

“ _Sir, we’re beginning our descent, if you’d please put your seat belt on_?”

Steve jerked awake, disheveled and confused. Freddy had been right beside him just a second ago… hadn’t he? And…yes, Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Leah’ was singing in his ears. He was still wearing his earbuds. How many times had his phone gone through the play list? How long had he been asleep?

“We’re beginning our descent into Hawaii, Sir. If you’d please put your seat belt on?” The flight attended didn’t seem phased at having to repeat herself. She’d probably woken up tens of thousands of passengers in her time. What was one more bleary confused soul?

“Oh… yeah, yeah, sorry,” Steve rubbed his face, fumbled for the clips of the seat belt to fuse together, and settled in, feeling the plane begin to descend and watching through the window as Oahu came into view.

**Hawaii Five-0**

“…You have to be fucking kidding me.”

If Steve had had any doubt that he’d had an actual, full on conversation with Freddy Hart in a dream on the flight home, that was all completely confirmed now as he took in the state of his living room, the little office towards the back of the first floor, and the area behind the stairs.

Plastic, plastic everywhere, and not a stitch of furniture to sit. It was covering the floor, his couch, his recliner, the television, his coffee table… everything except the walls, which were, Steve had to admit, a very lovely shade of sky, light blue. It paired nicely with the wood floor but wasn’t so blue that it shrank the size of the room. Spotting a paint bucket, pan, and other supplies in the far corner, Steve dropped his duffel by the door and crossed over to inspect the site further. “Ice blue,” he muttered, reading the label on the bucket. “Oh boy, Danno, how much did you spend at Sherwin Williams…” Steve would have to check his bank statement later. He knew the second card had been delivered, but he hadn’t bothered to check his account to see if Danny had made purchases.

No worries; if he hadn’t, Danny would see a hefty deposit in his bank account later.

The kitchen was actually in much better shape, which made sense; Junior and Danny would have to have some place to have breakfast and make dinner, and Danny was most at home in the kitchen, so it followed that it would’ve been the first part of the house Danny would finish first. Once again, he found himself pleasantly delighted with his partner’s color scheme. Danny seemed to like pale imitations of primary colors. Steve had been scared to death that he’d come home to a kitchen blanketed in lemonade yellow paint, but it was actually a soft yet bright, pale sunshine pigment. It was late in the afternoon so Steve couldn’t see how the natural sun light would bounce through the kitchen window, but he was looking forward to seeing it the next morning.

As Steve came out of the kitchen, the sound of clicking nails came from the stairs. Eddie tumbled into him, a blur of golden fur, wagging tail, and excited yipping as he rolled all over Steve’s feet, falling onto his side and then sitting up and jumping at Steve only to fall right over again.

“Hey, buddy,” Steve crouched down, trying to pet Eddie as best as he could while the pup squirmed and rolled around on his lap, continually sliding to the floor. “Did you look after Danno, huh? Why’d you let him do this to my house? I thought you had my back?”

**Hawaii Five-0**

Danny had never been so happy to leave headquarters in his life. His new car, his brand-new Camaro had been delivered while he and Lou had been out speaking to a person of interest in their latest case. Of course, Tani, Quinn, Adam, and Cole had all been at HQ when the Camaro was rolled into the parking lot and had texted Lou and Danny pictures of them sitting on the hood, lounging in the front seat, piled into every part of the interior they could fit. By the time they’d gotten back to the palace, Danny was itching to do nothing else but take the keys in his hand and drive his car – _his_ car, dammit.

It didn’t feel quite right though. He missed Steve stealing the keys from him, banishing him to the passenger seat, taking control and driving him around.

It would feel much better to be driving his car with Steve bitching beside him about _not_ being the one driving.

Danny hadn’t heard from Steve the previous night or yet today. After he got back home – to Steve’s, though Danny should pay his own house a visit sooner rather than later – he’d dial up the animal and see how he was faring, but Danny needed a shower and some food first.

Of course, it seemed like all of those were going to have to take a number. Danny pulled in to Steve’s drive, right beside the Silverado, and put the Camaro in park, turning the engine off and wondering to himself if he’d turned on the light in the living room that morning before he’d left. Deciding he hadn’t, , Danny slowly got out of the car and shut the door quietly behind him before heading up the walk and quietly, carefully entering the house.

The first thing he saw after closing the door softly was Eddie laying quietly on the floor just outside the kitchen. The dog lifted his head and stretched a bit before settling back down. The dog wasn’t freaking out, and Danny was just thinking that there wasn’t much to worry about, that maybe he had absentmindedly turned on the living room light that morning, when he heard a noise from the garage. He froze, moving his hand slowly to his sidearm and after a few moments, was rewarded with another noise, this one sounding like something metal had been sat down. Danny glanced down at Eddie, who was more concerned with cleaning his paws than with anything that could be occurring in the garage. What the hell was going on?

Taking a breath, Danny drew his firearm and made his way slowly towards the laundry room doors, opening and shutting them softly before inching towards the door to the garage. He heard another noise, someone shuffling around on the far side. Danny counted his breaths, twisted the knob and cracked the door open just enough to lead with his pistol and get a view.

A tall, dark figure was on the other side of John McGarrett’s Mercury, hunched over the work bench. Perhaps when they’d first met, Danny wouldn’t have recognized him, but now, he would know those shoulders anywhere, would recognize that bent over posture he’d seen so many times when the person in front of him was at a crime scene, inspecting something intensely. Danny couldn’t make his voice work, couldn’t send the signal from his brain to his vocal chords to make anything more than a wheezing sound of disbelief. But it was enough to get the man to turn around. Danny watched as first surprise, then relief, then trepidation finally settled on his face.

“Hey,” Steve greeted, voice tentatively soft. Danny wasn’t imagining the nervous lilt to it. He shook his head, rubbing at his face with a tired hand as he entered the garage fully, walking to stand just a few feet from Steve, slightly behind the Mercury. 

“What is it with us meeting up like this, huh?” Danny indicated the weapon in his hand before holstering it and shoving his hands in his pockets, looking at Steve quietly. “Why didn’t you call me? Tell me you were coming home? I’d’ve picked you up.”

Steve grinned a little at that. “In the truck?” The idea of Danny driving his truck always gave him a chuckle.

“No, you schmuck, in my new car – and no,” Danny held up a finger as he saw Steve’s eyes light up at the prospect of a new vehicle to try out, “you do not get to drive it, not yet.” He shuffled forward a bit, waiting for Steve to answer his question, but when he didn’t, Danny just repeated it. 

“I wasn’t sure I was coming home until I woke up yesterday,” Steve admitted. “I bought the ticket, I felt ready, felt good about it, but I wasn’t sure until I touched down a few hours ago and knew.”

“Knew you were sticking around?” Danny prodded lightly.

“Yeah,” Steve swallowed and nodded, lifting up a hand which, Danny saw, had a paint brush in it. “I got home and saw everything you’d done. Forgot I had these in here from way back when. Thought… you know, I thought we could use them to finish up the place.” Steve dropped the paint brush into the box it had been in. “It looks good, what you’ve done so far.”

“Thanks,” Danny cleared his throat. God this was awkward, not at all the welcome home he thought he’d be giving Steve over two months ago when he’d first left. All he’d wanted was for Steve to come back, come _home_ , to see him again, have a beer with him and nag him about his grilling and horrible driving. Now, here he was, and Danny was tongue tied.

Danny didn’t get tongue tied.

“I got tired of running,” Steve said, suddenly. 

Danny refocused his gaze, laser like, on Steve. “What?”

“Lou called me a couple days ago when I was still in Australia." Steve noticed a surprised, raised eyebrow from Danny, but his partner didn't say anything, so he plowed on. "We had a long talk, talked about a lot of stuff – what brought me back to the island, what kept me on the island, why I left, everything in between – and talking to him and… and thinking about it, I realized I’ve spent the last ten years running. Anytime something happened to me, anytime I lost someone – Dad, Freddy, Cath, Mom, Joe, you name it – anytime Wo Fat made my life a living Hell – I ran. I ran into the ocean, I ran to Five-0, I just ran. And I didn’t really understand what I was doing until I talked to Lou and realized that I was taking the same road Mom had taken, the same road Cath took, even the same road Dad took, in a way.”

Danny inched forward a bit more, now just a yard or so away from Steve, who was looking at him, hadn’t stopped looking at him since he’d entered the garage. “You wanna maybe elaborate on that?”

“In their own ways, they all ran,” Steve muttered. “Mom ran from her family instead of making the CIA eliminate the threat to her and the rest of us, and then leaving the agency. Dad ran from his responsibility to me and Mary when he pushed us out the door. Cath… ran from me when the CIA offered her a job – I guess we ran from each other in the early years when we couldn’t figure out what we wanted from each other.” He swallowed, guilt seeping into his eyes; Danny could see it glistening even in the dimly lit garage. “And I ran after Joe and Mom died, after you were taken and… I didn’t know how to handle it, all of it, so I ran. I thought I had to leave, to get a handle on it. And maybe I did. I thought I was going to be able to find peace if I left home.”

“And did you?” Danny asked, voice tight.

“I found… clarity,” Steve answered, slowly, thoughtfully, inching towards Danny a little. They were just about a foot apart now. Danny was itching to reach out, to touch, but he held himself still. “Lou made me realize I wouldn’t find be able to find peace though, not unless I came back here and actually faced everything, worked through it.”

“You couldn't work through it in Australia?” Danny casually tossed out, shrugging. “It’s a nice place, I hear. Nice beaches – not as nice as ours, but.”

“Ours?” Steve grinned a little. “I didn’t believe it before I left, I still don’t believe it now; Danny Williams complimenting Hawaiian beaches.” He inhaled deeply. “And no…I couldn’t find peace out there, Danny. Because my family was _here_. Lou, Tani and Junior, Adam and Quinn too.” He took the final step, right into Danny’s personal space, so close that Danny had to tilt his head to look up at him a little. “You were here, Danny, and God help me, but the hardest thing about being away for these past two months is knowing you were here, and I wasn’t." Steve laughed, thick and wet. "And it was the furthest thing from peace I’d ever felt.”

That was it. Danny had waited almost ten weeks to hug the man in front of him and he did now, pulling Steve to him and trapping him in his arms, feeling Steve do the same to him. Danny’s left side was still tight, and eventually he had to slide that arm around Steve’s waist, discreetly wiping at his eyes as he did, but it did nothing to keep him from holding onto his partner tightly. Steve was practically squeezing the life from him, but Danny didn’t mind that so much either. If he had to go, Suffocation via McGarrett was near the top of his list.

For his part, Steve was feeling the first tendrils of that peace he’d thought he’d had to leave the island to find wind its way around his heart and settle comfortably within his soul. Steve’s hands were moving, from Danny’s shoulder, to his back, to tuck Danny’s head against him, any way that would let Steve hold his partner as closely and tightly as he could. Any doubts Steve may have had about coming home now evaporated with him in Danny’s hold, and Danny in his arms. He leaned back against the work bench, taking Danny with him and straightened a little, giving his lower back a break from the bend he’d been in to hug Danny the way he normally would. He felt his partner move with him, both arms wrapped around Steve’s waist and torso now, not above his shoulder where Danny typically would have them placed. Steve dropped his arms just a little more, relaxing his shoulders, clasping his fingers together at the small of Danny’s back, and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I left,” Steve murmured softly. He felt Danny smile against his shoulder, felt Danny’s hair move against the bottom of his own jaw as he shook his head.

“Yeah, that sucked,” Danny pulled back just enough to catch Steve’s gaze. “You here to stay?”

“Yeah, Danno,” Steve smiled softly down at him. “I’m here to stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! It only took me two months after the finale aired to get this thing written and posted. Mostly. We still have one more chappy!
> 
> I told you there would be cheesiness in this chapter, but I believe it was delicious cheesiness. Like, mozzarella sticks cheesy goodness. Who among us hasn’t had, or hasn’t known someone who has had, a dream about someone who has passed on? I have, and I figured why not Steve too? 
> 
> Also, I make no apologize for the slight redo of How Steve Met Danny :D #NoShameInMyGame.
> 
> This has been a fun ride, and I've got ideas to add to this series in my head. One more chapter!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you for sticking with this story, and for all of the comments and kudos. I'm happy all of you have enjoyed it. The epilogue is short and sweet, but uh...
> 
> Note the rating change :)

**Epilogue**

**_A few days later_ **

Steve was in a haze of bliss, a veritable pool of pleasure. Every touch of calloused fingertips brushing with purpose against his skin, each kiss from a wet mouth that could normally be heard ranting about something or other was now focused on him and him only. All of it was sending Steve deeper into a cocoon of desperate want and lust.

He couldn’t see, really. All he could truly do was feel as he lay in his bed, fingers long gone white as he clenched the sheets while teasing lips finally, blessedly released a nipple and dragged their way down the planes of his stomach. A playful tongue dipped into his belly button, and Steve felt his legs open a bit in response, in readiness to open for where he knew that mouth could, _would_ , eventually go. He felt the prize he was offering twitch in anticipation.

A deep, rumbling chuckle told him that his partner hadn’t missed his burgeoning interest either. Steve lifted his head just enough to see a head filled with messy, sexed up blonde hair disappear under the sheets, and then –

“ _Christ_!” Steve’s hips lifted up of their own accord, one hand flying under the satin linen to grip tendrils of hair, the fingers of his other hand almost hurting with how tightly they were clenching the pillow under his head. “God, fu-…” He couldn’t hardly speak, the tongue and suction on his rock-hard member was so delicious. 

It didn’t take him long to reach the edge, and Steve kept thinking, just one more pass, one more lick, _one_ more suckle….

 _One more_ tease at the head…

_One more…_

Steve gasped awake, nearly choking on air as he inhaled and sat up, shaky and confused, drenched in sweat and… and…

 _Harder than a Goddamn brick_.

Steve swiped a hand down his face as he caught his breath before lifting the sheet that covered his hips, and, yes, that wetness was definitely not sweat on his boxers. Steve had to admit the dream was better than a nightmare, but still! He stared down for a moment before flopping back down on the bed and covering his face with his hands. Thankfully, it seemed he hadn’t woken Danny, who was sleeping in Junior’s room next door.

Danny, who had been underneath the sheets in Steve’s dream giving him quite the blow job, good enough – _great enough, actually_ , his mind supplied – that Steve’s dick was still straining for attention. Reaching down, Steve gripped himself and nearly choked when his hips practically jerked off the bed, pushing his dick into his palm. He rolled over on his side, and managed to get four pulls in before his legs and stomach seized and he came on the side of the flat sheet biting at his pillow case, doing his level best to keep the noise at the barest of minimums.

Holy God. He’d just came all over his bed. From a sex dream. A sex dream about another man. A sex dream about Danny, Danny Williams, his _Danno_. Steve covered his eyes with his clean hand, realization hitting him with as much clarity as it could at four o’clock in the morning. All of the guilt, the fear of Danny being targeted and hurt; the pain of not being near him; the wish that Steve had had at times during his self-imposed exile that Danny had gone away with him; the need to hear him or at least know his partner was on the other end of the phone whether he said anything or not; the rush at seeing him in the flesh, touching him after ten long weeks…

Steve blinked the sweat out of his eyes, groaning in disbelief as his cock twitched at the image Steve had in his mind of Danny in his arms, and uttered the only thing his orgasm addled mind could come up with.

“ _Fuck_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I am evil as hell for leaving it there :D
> 
> It took me a while to work out my bitterness, but I am so happy I was able to write and share this fix it fic. This will hopefully be part of a series that will be specific to how Steve and Danny lead their lives post the series finale. I’ll write one shots/other stories as the ideas come to me for this universe, including one (which will probably be the next one) set a few days after Steve gets home, and he and Danny really have a discussion on how/what they were feeling while the other was gone.
> 
> Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for kudo-ing, and if you haven’t yet, comments are my chocolate. Until next time!

**Author's Note:**

> The final conversation between Steve and Danny on the beach was just heart wrenching and awful. I couldn’t believe how callously the lines were written, how flippant (at times) Steve was towards Danny. That was my first order of business; fixing that goodbye between our boys. I continue to believe that Alex would’ve never written something so cold, knowing how he feels about the McDanno relationship and how he understands its' importance to Steve, Danny, and the show as a whole.


End file.
